The 5 Most Retarded SEC Traditions

by VolFan46205311979, special to LWS

Tennessee’s Vol Walk, State’s cowbells, Bama’s cheating. All important and time-honored traditions in the Southeastern Conference. But contrary to popular belief, not every one of the SEC’s pigskin rituals is great. Let’s take a look at the 5 most retarded traditions of our beloved conference.

(5) “insert word”-eaux

LSU country, while overpopulated with God-fearing, neo-fascist Republicans, reserves a special place in its heart for the Motherland – France. That’s right. France. Don’t let any of these ignorant buffoons attempt to explain it away. “Naw brotha. It ain’t da France, it’s Creole baby! Laissez les bon temps rouler!” Hey tardicus rex, that’s French.

I think it’s noble that LSU fans take the time to celebrate their feminine side. It takes courage to completely emasculate yourself in front of your opponents. But LSU guy is a trailblazer, and he will fearlessly walk that line while proudly sporting the hat he stole from Dolemite and the pink plastic necklace he was tossed after showing a fat girl his testicles.

The problem is that an LSU meaux faux doesn’t kneaux bordeaux from J-Leaux. Their working knowledge of the land of stinky cheese is limited to “buffet” and “Chevrolet”, and both are much more Louisiana than France. A little known fact, the word “go” in French is not spelled g-e-a-u-x. It’s actually spelled f-a-g. Interestingly, that is how all French words are spelled.

It’s time we fellow SEC fans started giving LSU their due for sticking behind France, especially considering recent international events. Let’s reward them for their bravery. I’ll be the first if I must.

Dear LSU, let me commend you on losing to a very bad Tennessee team at home in 2005. Your strength rivaled that of a liver pate. You displayed all the courage and bravery of the French 1st Battalion circa 1941. You geaux heauxmeaux.

(4) Bear Obsession

We all know the story. In 1714, a young Bear Bryant saved an entire orphanage from certain death by pissing on a 4 alarm blaze and putting it out. In 1776, he penned the Declaration of Independence. In 1887, he invented the car. And in 19-something, he won a bunch of football games.

The problem is that the Bear isn’t as hot as he used to be. He’s still got the touch, yes, but there are reports that he has begun to slip. Ex-assistants have grumbled about his playcalling, suggesting that there are times when the Bear won’t respond to questions or select a play for an entire game. Many have questioned his work ethic, as inside sources have revealed that he hasn’t shown up to work in over twenty years.

Bammers remain confident, however. They continue to believe that he is the key to returning to national prominence. Some think that Bama is taking advantage of an old man, some would say that Bama should let Bryant rest in peace. But to quote the Bear, as played by Tom Beringer, “He ain’t quitin”.

(3) The “woo” in Rocky Top

A personal subject, to be sure, and a contentious one at that. Rocky Top is a fantastic unofficial fight song. It encapsulates both the culture and landscape of the Smoky Mountains. More importantly, it is annoys opposing fans worse than a case of King Pubic Crabs.

For those who don’t know, let me fill you in on the background of the “woo”. Decades ago, Rocky Top was a serious ode sung by men as tribute to the heroes on the field and the land in which they lived. It was sung in proud and severe tones as whiskey was guzzled, much like the Vikings of Northern Europe. Then came Mary Francis Henderson of Shelbyville, TN, who attended the 1976 Vandy game with her Phi Mu sisters. She did not know the words to Rocky Top, but after 7 vodka and Tab’s, she decided she needed to participate. She interrupted her girlfriends’ babbling and uttered these now famous words, “Oh my God, Rocky Top needs to be more sassy!“

And so the “woo” was born. Rocky Top always starts well, but the “woo” crashes over me like Oprah on skis. I hear an especially enthusiastic “woo” from behind, and turn around to find four 14 year old girls cheering proudly. After the song, they sit down and begin text messaging each other, even though they are sitting side by side. They patiently wait for the next “woo” opportunity.

The “woo” represents everything wrong with modern college sports. After I hear it, I expect the “Fun Police” to begin shooting T-shirts into the crowd via air cannons. I anticipate mini-parachutes to come falling from above carrying certificates for free Rally’s burgers. The “woo” is horrific, atrocious, degrading, nauseating and unjustifiable. Even Lulu and Junior disapprove.

(2) The rolling of Toomer’s Corner Ahh, Auburn. Land of the hapless fan. If Auburn fans didn’t have football, they would just play Magic the Gathering. They would be content with simply owning a comic book store.

Following a win, thousands of Auburn fans take their finest toilet paper over to Toomer’s Corner, a landmark on Auburn’s campus, and young and old alike gleefully throw said paper into the trees. There are many high fives exchanged. After covering the earth with the paper, they then paint each other with pixiedust and begin a secret ceremony that is cryptically referred to as “the Tiger train”. The toilet paper is said to allow for easy cleanup.

Aftermath indeed

Rolling is a right of passage for any 12 year old boy. The most important element of this act, however, is the risk of getting caught. Rolling university property with no chance of a penalty is like drugging your grandmother and then letting the air out of her tires.

Kenny Irons, star running back and future biochemist, was asked in a recent interview about his favorite Auburn tradition. His response was more impressive than anything I could ever write: “The rolling of Toomer’s Corner because I had never experienced anything so amazing in my life. When I came to Auburn I saw all these people huddled around this tree and I was like ‘What is this?’ You have all of these people and they have all of this toilet paper. They have soft toilet paper and every kind of toilet paper and they are throwing it at a tree. I was like ‘Why are they throwing all of this toilet paper at a tree?’”

A fair question in my opinion.

(1) Ole Miss

I know what you are wondering. Which Ole Miss tradition is retarded?

All of ‘em.

From the 18 M.P.H. speed limit to the seersucker to “Hotty Toddy”, Ole Miss is the result of a retarded bomb going off in a piece of crap town populated with former high school beauty queens and Colonel Sanders.

The “pageantry” that they boast of is nothing more than a grass field crammed with folding tables and cheap tents picked up at the local K-Mart. Nowhere on earth will you find a higher proportion of red Solo cups, celery sticks, and Chex Mix to humans. Be wary of their shallow claims of classiness – yes those are saltines, yes that is a plastic tablecloth, yes those are McDonald’s chicken nuggets, and no that is not your secret recipe for ranch dressing because it says Hidden Valley on the bottle.

Carrying the banner

The most important aspect of Ole Miss-dom, however, is a total lack of interest in the game. The tables, the food, the outfits, the liquor, the travel, the Rebel Walk – the whole damn show – is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Unfortunately for the Rebels, Ole Miss sucks at football. This fact is not lost on their fans, as the following war chant demonstrates: “We may not win every game, but we ain’t never lost a party.”

Ole Miss is so bad this year that they may just lose a party – to St. Benedict’s Tuesday bingo game no less. But don’t fear for the Rebels, they will keep coming back. Much like herpes, except that the herpes also brings cold chicken fingers from Kroger.

“Hotty Toddy, gosh almighty, who the hell are we?”

An even better question. Maybe Kenny Irons has an answer.