Spurrier, The Old Ball Sack Coach
AROUND THE SEC— Coach Steve Spurrier doesn’t have a lot going for him; he’s got greasy hair, bad posture, he coaches a really shitty football team, has some of the most ignorant fans in the SEC and his voice sounds like Elmo on Novocain. But in spite of those flaws, Coach Spurrier has one thing working in his favor: he is known as The Old Ball Sack Coach.
Steve is not a nice man who likes taunting opponents, running up the score on other teams, and baseball cards, but most of all; he loves that ball sack of his.
He’s damn proud of it–and he has a right to be proud. As ball sacks go, Coach Spurrier’s is quite impressive. At least his friends think so.
“Spurrier is always showing off his ball sack,” said Mike Shula, a fellow SEC Coach. “He’ll just whip out his ball sack and dangle it 
in front of me, asking me if I want to touch it–which I don’t! It’s disgusting. I don’t know where that ball sack has been!”
The older Cock fans are jealous of its size. The younger Cock fans just want to hold it or rub it for luck.
But Coach Spurrier didn’t always have a nice ball sack. There was a time when it was old and leathery, and would get sweaty whenever he left it in his pants too long. He would wash and scrub that ball sack until it hurt, but still it would remain smelly and dirty. Eventually The Old Ball Sack Coach just gave it to his dog, which would spend the afternoons in a corner licking his old ball sack.
These days, Coach Spurrier’s Old Ball Sack is the envy of the Cock fans, especially his best bud Urban Meyer from down the road in Gainesville, a coach who has always admired it.
“Urban is always trying to grab my ball sack,” said The Old Ball Sack Coach. “But he’s got his own to play with! It’s not as nice as mine, but there’s nothing wrong with his ball sack. I’ve held it in my hands before.”
“Coach Spurrier is exaggerating,” replied Urban, who admits he has a smaller ball sack than Coach Spurrier. “I’ve never let him put his hands on my ball sack. He’s the one who’s always sticking his ball sack in my face! And I just keep slapping that thing away. That man is obsessed. He’s always fondling his ball sack.”
But despite Urban and Coach Spurrier’s differences, most of the Cock and Gator Fans agree that The Old Ball Sack Coach’s ball sack is the best, because it’s black, has a nice shaven smooth as eggs texture, it hangs well, and is less likely to shrivel.
Lately, instead of keeping his ball sack in his pants, Coach Spurrier has been letting it hang out–just so that everyone can appreciate it. Although there are a few people who would rather not have it exposed.
“If I ever see The Old Ball Sack Coach around here showing off,” said Charlie Weis the local fat and stupid bully, “I’m going to cut off his ball sack if the Cocks if ever make a Bowl Game worth a shit. So, I guess I will never cut it off.”
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weis would never say that about carolina, having coached there and all…….
Big Boy is pissed at the world, so he must have said it
I’d say the Ole Ball Sack would get shaved on Saturday, but LWS already said it! Freakin’ hilarious!
There was some discussion if we should mention “ironing the wrinkles from the ballsack”.
How about the 1st ANNUAL mountain(palmetto)-oyster festival, featuring the O.B.S. himself?
Short menu, and hopefully a one & done kind of shindig.
Or maybe “The Castration” occurs Saturday.
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