At the request of Tigersmack.com, I sat down with LSU Defensive Coordinator Bo Pelini at Juban’s Restaurant recently to discuss recent breakthroughs in the use and application of simple defensive schemes to address maladies which have up to now been addressed by other–and to Les Mile’s simple and frozen mind, less effective and possibly even harmful–methods. (Editor note, Jimbo Fisher refused to be interviewed)

El Brujo: Why do you always lick the tips of your fingers after eating Strawberry Beignets?

Bo Pelini: I tried to lick other people’s fingers, but some consider that “rude.”

EB: What is the dumbest question you have ever been asked by a player?

BP: I remember LaRon Landry asked me this: “How can I help control the pet population? Should I throw kittens off of balconies?” He is a sensitive youngster.

EB: What is the craziest thing you have ever seen at LSU?

BP: At Auburn this year, JeMarcus Russell was shitting himself in the 4^th Quarter, You ever see Chris Leak trying to run the option? He was that fucking scared. I told him if he was afraid, he should buy a fucking dog.

EB: Sometimes doing the right thing is tough. Sometimes we have to choose between bad and worse. You are in a tough business. I have known snipers that get bothered even though what they did was absolutely right. It seems being a coach would have some similar circumstances. Did you ever lose any sleep over the choices you had to make at work?

BP: No, I don’t lose any sleep. Let’s face it, at LSU, we don’t have the sharpest pencils in the drawer. So, we’re not going to overload them with checks and 9,000 different things. We don’t want our guys ever out there memorizing what to do.

EB: Where do babies come from?

BP: What? Get back on track with this interview.

EB: Is paying someone a million dollars the best way to become a super-gangsta rapper with ultimate get-laid-power over women? If not, what is?

BP: Are you retarded? Where did you get the million dollars from? Who on Earth could you simply pay to make you a gangsta rapper? Christ almighty man, if you have a million dollars already, you can just get some whores. No need to be a rapper. Shit, now look what you’ve done. You drug me down to your level. I should have known better…

EB: You mean I pulled a “Rick Clausen” on you?

BP: You mean last year? The first half belonged to me. The game belonged to Rick Clausen. That guy has some really bad hair.

EB: Coach, Do you ever get any sun on those legs of yours or do you use them to light your way at night?

BP: Fine asshole, when the Mother Ship lands, who do you think they’ll avoid killing: the bronzed, cancer-ridden surfers, or the pale, alien-looking misfits? I stand by my decision.

EB: What cartoon characters are your favorites?

BP: Ed Orgeron, Les Miles and Lou Holtz

EB: “I think the question here on everybody’s mind is how cool is to hang
out with Les Miles?!”

BP: I believe in his system, and I am going to alter it for anything.

EB: Last question, What’s your favorite cheese?

BP: Does that processed, jet-propelled crap in the can count? If not, I’d have to say Swiss. Those yodeling, fondue-dipping, pacifists really know their stuff.

EB: Coach Bo, thanks for taking time to answer your questions, I would like to add one more thing. Some of the LSU fans think of you as a Chimp, on the left end of the evolutionary scale was a quote we received.

BP: Fuck them. I will be at LSU forever. A quick google search will tell you all of the head coaching jobs that I have been passed over.