Volquest: Origin of the Species
We debated on whether to post this to the blog. After following the Democratic Process, we decided to just go ahead and do it. This piece was submitted by reader known as the ‘Slingblader’. It is controversial and a very much ‘in your face’ satirical assessment of another Vols website. Slingblader assured us that this is meant as satire, parody and a harpoon of a lampoon.
[Redacted] at Volquest.com today revealed that he chose LWSVol as his ‘Turk’, his Hatchet Man, after the Excel SpreadSheet Wizard explained to him that “Jesus really did write the whole Rivals.com Recruiting Guide.”
“Dang, I’d always thought it was JC Shurburt or Bobby Burton or one of those guys,” [Redacted] said. “But LWS showed me that it wasn’t. Jesus did, it was right there on the Main Rivals Homepage.
“Of course, as we all know, College Football didn’t even exist until Rivals was created ,” [Redacted] said. “But LWS proved to me that it was irrelevant. (The Bible) actually predicted that the LWSVol would create an epic spreadsheet for a new website and, hey, that was us.”
The Volquest Guru said LWS’s explanation was the capper that convinced him to nominate the seemingly all knowing LWS to moderate Volquests’s prestigous and predessor of the No Fun League (NFL), The Generals Quarters .
“Sure, LWSVol gets high marks from the Jock Sniffers and wannabe jock sniffers,” [Redacted] said. “And he’s gotta be a darn sight better than my dear, close friend and confidante [Redacted]. He is pretty talented but, boy, is he a suck-up.
“I love his positions on no-humor, the whole XXXXXX vs. Volquest Taliban, er, subscriber thing,” [Redacted] said. “And his ability on keeping my subscribers noses in the Vols players jock straps is an inalienable right that is priceless.
“But when he sat down and explained how I was going to lose money if I did not create two subscriber boards that was the like the word of God, and needed to be followed at all costs – except when it benefits my financial goals – that sold me. Plus he keeps an email list through which he manipulates their thoughts and feelings about my boards and intimidates me with. Some these people are just hardcore Vols fans that surf Myspace looking for players pages.” [Redacted] said.
This is really a big deal for Volunteer Athletics and Tennessee residents,” commented Richard Hurtz, a ‘Gold Shield’ Volquest Subscriber. “The Generals Quarters has shown the world that Tennessee is on the cutting edge of technology,” continued Hurtz. “Pretty soon I’ll be able to set my VCR to tape my favorite TV shows for my grandma in Newport. I know she’ll love the VCR.”
“I’ve had plenty of conversations with LWSVol about banning subscribers who post off-topic posts and all that. But knowing that LWSVol wrote the book on focusing on serious football shit, laughing and having a good time will not be tolerated. He just hits the delete button or bans their happy ass. My life is so much more focused on my grammer, spelling other shit.”
Vote here
Ha Ha Newport is a funny place.
Do you know Richard Hurtz?
I own the internet
I like to think of it as property management. I hope all of you fellas enjoybeing blacklisted. We know who you are
Brent: you poor, sad, disillusioned, nut case. just keep fooling yourself about who really runs your website, if that’s what makes you happy. your dream will end when it becomes LWS’s Volquest and you can get back to reality.
No but I know his oldest son Dick Jr.
you fellers see this picture?
http://www.19sd.com/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/10016/LWSatan_ronjeremy.jpg