Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am a bachelor and that is NOT good if you have a daughter who is single and of legal age.

This past weekend I started what I will call “Lloyd Braun’s World Tour”. Some may find the details titillating while others may vomit and convulse. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t report the facts.

Friday Night: I met Susan (real names hidden to protect the innocent) at her house. Susan is a successful 27 year old woman who lives in Knoxville. Her upper body and head areas are average to slightly above while her lower body is porn star quality and I do not exaggerate. We had dinner and a night of frolicking and curiosity. I left Susan’s place feeling like “Hey Lloyd, this was pretty fun. I bet you will come back”.

Saturday: I met a group of friends who brought along “Sara” for dinner and a concert. Sara was semi-attractive but in a geeky way. She was also a know-it-all, and I can be the only one of those in the relationship. After a few drinks (I only drank diet coke) she began to loosen up and became more fun to be around. By the end of the night we were flirting and doing other such harmless things. I was flirting more than she, and at the end of the night I thought to myself “Lloyd, this chick is full of herself, only semi-attractive, and she thinks she is smarter than you. You will never see her again”.

Sunday: On a hot tip from a friend, I drove to Asheville to meet “Mercedes De La Renta”. My friend was right. When an angel opened the door to let me in, I asked for “Mercedes” but in actuality the angel and the beautful young woman I had ventured to visit were one and the same. It was if God himself had punched me right in the face. I was stunned. I lost track of all time and space. Her body was as tempting as a breakfast buffet. Her voice, raspy yet soft and sweet. I could wad her up in a little ball, so flexible she was. There is NOTHING wrong with this girl physically and that is a fact, Hack. The only potential downside was that this girl has a very young daughter and that should have scared me but the really scary part is that it didnt scare me at all. What the hell is wrong with me? Has this woman cast a spell over me with her beauty and sweetness? Is there an antidote and would I take it if there was?

 The LBWT rankings at the end of Weekend #1 are as follows:

1. Mercedes De La Renta 8.79854

2. Susan 7.2115

3. Sara 3.15978

Next Up “Catherine” on Wednesday night.