Thought I was over you thought I could start anew
I got a new job, new friends on the other side of town
But here you are again just like a long lost friend
And when I touched your hand it started all over again
I can’t help myself here comes that feeling
Just like a raging river rushing over me
No I can’t help myself here I go falling
Head over heels falling for you again
I Can’t Help Myself
by Eddie Rabbitt

Alabama Athletic Director Mal “Cabron” Moore must feel the emotion of the words of country music legend Eddie Rabbitt’s classic song of unfulfilled love each time he thinks of hiring a new coach. Well enough of that shit, it’s on to the next head football coaching candidate for The University of Alabama and return Alabama football to its rightful place among college football’s elite.

Mal Moore, bless his heart, is one gullible bastard. Pursuant to his edict to hire “a proven head coach with a proven record of achievement who can reach the level of excellence that all of us desire.” Moore reiterated that stance Friday, releasing a statement that said, “(I) remain determined to bring to our program a proven head coach with impressive credentials.” Moore continues the arduously painful and public journey (and almost always funny) of hiring a replacement to Mike Shula.

Many candidates appear to be gun-shy. But who can really blame them? They are probably looking back at the vote of confidence that Mike Shula received in May ( He was given a raise and contract extension) or the fates of the last four (or is it five?) coaches hired by Moore. Mike Price, why didn’t you use cash at that Pensacola Titty Bar? Oh why Mike? Why the University credit card, Mike? Price and Bama were the perfect union. It would have been like Southern Baptists, you know that they raise hell, you just can’t catch them doing it. Oh well…

If it wasn’t embarrassing enough to be turned down by Louisville’s (yep, Louisville for God sakes) Bobby “Chiquita” Petrino; WVU’s Rich “Mentiroso” Rodriguez; Steve “Cholo” Spurrier and Nick “El Cabron” Saban. Now the Capstone and especially Mal Moore are soon to be exposed as a country rubes. Bama’s only hope of saving what is left of a somewhat blemished reputation is that a more worldly and sophisticated Bammer can step in and stop the impending national embarrassment.

Here is the scene that has been set in motion: It appears yet another cruel Auburn hoax has convinced Moore to pursue Actor Matthew McConaughey to coach the Tide. Moore has been led to believe that McConaughey actually rebuilt Marshall’s Football Program and the movie We Are Marshall is a loosely based autobiography of McConaughey. Furthermore, Moore believes that McConaughey then later helped Mack Brown and Texas to win the National Championship.