I have returned from a brief stint in Brushy Mountain to pen my third piece for LWS. As the year ends, I would like to detail what I consider the year’s worst moments for or figures in our shared conference.
5. Lou Holtz
Never before has anyone been worse at a job than Lou Holtz is at his (not counting Knoxville radio personality Mickey Dearstone, who is FEMA head Mike “Browny” Brown to our local radio disaster). Horrific speech impediment aside, Sweet Lou’s substantive value is also incredibly minimal. In short, Lou Holtz could be as smooth as Brian Williams and still be an idiot.
Fans have and always will refer to specific media members as “homers”. “Top Ten” Tim Brando is frequently called an LSU homer. Former Blackshirt and current dickhead Trev Alberts is a Nebraska and (for some reason) UGA homer. Mark May is a Steve Urkel homer. But of all these allegations, nothing even approaches the absolute rejection of reality that goes on in Holtz’s little head. Here are the rules – Holtz picks his former teams to win every game. He does so confidently and without reservation. See the predicted Arkansas beat down on USC. See the following quote: “USC has a better chance of beating Oregon State than UT has beating South Carolina” (USC had already lost). See the fearless Irish selection every week. See an absolute moron.
What really gets me about Holtz, however, is his look. Granny, sporting his birth control specs and cheap suits, is apparently trying to make us feel safe and comfortable, trying to convince us that he is as warm and inviting as a fresh batch of mom’s cookies.
“Come to me young one, I smell of fresh laundry”
Those who follow college football, however, know better; underneath that exterior lies a cold-blooded cheater who will stop at nothing to win short term and leave the program in utter chaos. Hopefully he can bring that magic touch to the current ESPN studio crew.
Which brings us to our next embarrassment…
4. Arkansas/USC
There is nothing more pathetic than an SEC fanatic who firmly believes that Kentucky could win the Big 12. Well, aside from the Big 10 fan and 95% of the media who think that Iowa is the fifth best team in the country. After giving Arkansas a “pass” for their absolute embarrassment in SoCal in 2005, SEC
fans and idiot Lou Holtz proudly proclaimed that Arkansas would beat down the Trojans in 2006 for reasons ranging from inexperience at quarterback to the “rough terrain” of the Ozarks. Many believed that USC would be “shocked” at Arkansas’ speed and announced that USC “doesn’t play defense in their candy ass league.” Apparently to some in the South, the Pac 10 is not made up of athletes, but rather an amalgamation of ultimate frisbee loving leftists who break from their rigorous pro-gay marriage lobbying schedule to play some football, all the while seeking to recruit Southern youth into their homo mafia.
“Just keep your fag hands off our kids”
Unfortunately for Arkansas, USC came to play and dominated the game. The loss was first spun in the SEC world as simply reflective of a team that would be lucky to finish fourth in the West. This argument rather cruelly bit us in the collective ass when Arkansas ended up in Atlanta. I have also frequently heard that the only reason Arkansas lost was due to the fact that star Darren McFadden didn’t play. Careful and diligent research, however, has revealed that he did indeed play (9 carries for 45 yards). Was he 100%? I doubt it. So let’s assume he’s fully healthy for that game and scores three times on dominant running. The score then becomes 50-35, moving the loss down the embarrassment meter from “getting caught covering genitals with peanut butter in order to seduce family dog” to a much more respectable “crapping pants immediately after takeoff on flight from New York to Hong Kong”.
While the SEC was bailed out in part by Tennessee’s whipping of the Neo-Marxist
Cal Golden Guevaras, Arkansas’ loss served to humiliate the hee haw’s from these parts who were sure that Dick and Nutt would pound West Coast pussy any given day. I guess they forgot that most homosexuals really enjoy working out.
3. Coach Orgeron
Not since Bob Davie has such a shitty coach received so much attention. This guy has done absolutely nothing in his two year tenure aside from squeak out wins over Memphis and MSU, “convince” players to come to Oxford, and beat his wife. Yet he is everywhere, on the radio discussing the intricacies of the Iraq War or pushing a Hummer at your local dealer (“Tell ‘em about it JoJo”). He even has a popular song written for him. Linked here for the reader’s pleasure. click me
But for all the attention, Ogre is hardly a media darling. In fact, I’m not sure he even enjoys the spotlight. Is he a polished public speaker? Yes. Does he diligently serve on the Mississippi NAACP board? Of course. And everyone knows that he is a published and respected arborist. But that long term problem remains; it is always bubbling underneath the surface; it is practically the elephant in the locker room. Edward Herman Orgeron can’t go twenty minutes without kicking the shit out of somebody.
There have been official reports concerning Big Ed’s penchant for violence, and many we have all heard. The infamous team introduction comes to find, where Ed declined the standard “lets’s get to know each other, everybody stand up and say where you’re from and what’s in your CD player right now” and decided to go with the more unconventional “yaws a bunch of queens, who da fuk is ready to go rite knaw? I break yo goddam face” instead. Reviews on his forward thinking concept were mixed, and the Rebel Club opted for the more traditional “hello I am…” approach during Coach O’s first meet and greet with his Boosters. There was also, of course, the incident in which he beat his neighbor, his neighbor’s wife, his neighbor’s kid, his neighbor’s cat, and his neighbor’s front door all due to an unfortunate trampolining disagreement.
But insiders have confirmed to LWS several other incidents which are set to burst upon the national media any moment. Here are a couple that have been reported by reliable sources:
- October 12, 2005. After another painful practice in which his team continued to play like “litta girls humpin dey Barbies”, Orgeron decided to grab a 24 of Steel Reserve and some Chicken on a Stick from one of Oxford’s six “restaurants”. When the morbidly obese, Weis-esque man behind the counter informed him that only the burrito and potato wedge options remained, Ed speared the man in his portly thigh with a corn dog skewer and urinated on the magazine rack.
- April 12, 2006. During spring practice, a player commented under his breath that Orgeron looked and smelled like he had been “partying like Pete Doherty after getting released from custody”. Ed reportedly kneed said player in his scrotal area, knocking him to the turf, and demanded that the “real Rebels” show their teammate what bukkake was all about. The incident was immediately broken up by Hugh Freeze, assistant head coach and staff dork, before any belts were loosened.
- August 21, 2006. Orgeron is arrested in Tunica, MS after attempting to fight the 40 foot inflatable cowboy that is anchored to the parking lot of Big Earl’s Fireworks on the Tennessee/Mississippi border.
Many things can be said about Ed Orgeron. Many things are said about Ed Orgeron. And aside from “pretty good class he’s putting together down there,” none of it is positive. He is a stain on the SEC’s linens but is also a source of endless entertainment. Part of me wants Ole Miss to demand that he be accountable for his behavior, yet a bigger part enjoys the image of Orgeron snapping one day and assaulting a Grove patron, spilling honey mustard all over the lace tablecloth covering their fold out card table (Please see my previous “5 Most Retarded SEC Traditions“). One can only dream.
2. SEC Coaches’ Hair/Hat/Stache Styling
For the Auburn grads attempting to read this article, this one’s for you. Just pictures:
1. Alabama
Let me preface this entry with a caveat. My previous attempts at poorly designed humor are clearly intentional and heavily satirical. Be warned, the remainder of this essay is not funny. Even less funny than the rest of my article.
There is an obnoxious country song about Alabama that is sung daily in the various taverns on the school’s strip and in the cubicles of Bama grads all over the country. Everyone knows this song. It does not, however, even begin to ring true to the reality of the current situation in Tuscaloosa. There is nothing sweet about the dark cloud hovering over the Capstone. Neil Young, crackhead Canadian, is the one who got it right:
Alabama, you got the weight on your shoulders, that’s breaking your back.
Your cadillac has got a wheel in the ditch, and a wheel on the track…
What’s going wrong?
In fifteen years, Alabama has gone from atop the SEC hierarchy
to our biggest liability. Not since Ears Whitworth have the Bammers been in such a gutter. Where did the slide begin, one might ask? Stallings’ retirement? Mike Dubose? Logan Young, a man actually celebrated in Alabama for his commitment to the Tide? The SI story straight from the mouth of a hooker? Shula’s gold chain? One could debate these questions all day and never find the answer. But one thing’s for sure, and to put it simply, Alabama sucks.
A quick recap. Bama played a disgraceful schedule this year and almost missed out on a bowl game. Ed Orgeron outcoached Shula (yes, outcoached) and almost won in Tuscaloosa. Sly Croom outcoached Shula and won in Tuscasloosa. Bama was
one play away from finishing last in the West. At the end of the regular season, the state of Alabama football was already beaten and bloodied. There were some bright spots for the year, and Shula was putting together a decent class. Many rational Bammers saw a ray of hope in 2007 and thought that Bama was on the right track, running a relatively clean program under a good and decent man. Oh, the sad yet hilarious irony of it all.
Everyone knows what has happened since then, and I won’t belabor the point. The latest involves coaching legend Don Shula cracking Bama on national television. It is becoming painful to witness, like watching the nauseatingly fat woman in spandex return for her 5th plate at Barnhill’s Buffet. You watch with a grimace, hoping that she will decide against it, hoping that she will turn back. But when that ninth piece of fried country steak hits the plate, it no longer becomes funny. You are embarrassed for her and for everyone else that is there. This is Alabama football.
Regardless of what many say, the Bama situation is no longer comical. It is bad for the conference in its entirety, and therefore bad for me and you. The self-described jewel of college football, boasting a record 79 National Championships and 142 SEC titles, has been reduced to nothing more than Mississippi State with a nicer campus. My own beloved Vols supposedly have a bitter rivalry with the Tide, a rivaly steeped in tradition but no recent meaning. At some point, we may all need to ask ourselves a question: should we even invite the fat girl to the party?
I’m a huge SEC fan and I honestly have to say that this is freaking hilarious. Nicely done. I’m happy to say I can laugh at something very well written even at the expense of the conference I pull for.
you know absolutley nothing about Ed Ogeron. and you are an embarrasment to th writing profession
hilarious…i hate ole miss and caveman O. Ole Miss and South Carolina fans…teams that have done nothing but yet talking to their fans you’d think they’ve won the SEC every year.
You know everything there is to know about Ed Orgeron and are an asset to the writing profession. And by the way, the stuff you wrote about Lou Holtz and Kentucky winning the Big 12: pure genius.
I’ll give it about five minutes before this site is flooded with Ole Missers calling for your execution in the name of the Genius, aka Ed Orgeron.
Has this been posted on an ole miss board? Isn’t ole miss the chicago cubs of the SEC?
No, the Rebs have won a national title unlike the Cubs.
You are right on concering Orgeron. He’s a ticking time bomb and he will soon explode and Ole Mi$$ will be caught with their pants down, no dobut
What a worthless waste of time to read this pitiful display of an attempt at humor. That was 5 minutes of my life that I won’t get back.
Say what you want about Orgeron, but I do take issue with your ignorant, attempted jab at Oxford’s restaurant scene. The town is full of great eating establishments. Though, I’m sure the average orange-clad neck such as yourself wouldn’t consider anything other than Ruby Tuesday/Olive Garden/TJI Friday’s/Outback to be “fine dining”. So, I digress.
MakersMark, I’ve had a ribeye at Downtown, and I’ve blacked out at Old Taylor’s. Chicken on a stick is Oxford’s finest dish. Now go buy some hot beer and toke the bong at a sweet late nighter.
Hahaha… I hope Coach O stays in Oxford for a long long time. He represents those stuck up idiots perfectly!
UT can’t even recruit its own state up to par with the rest of the SEC, Memphis, and Notre Dame.
Wait, is there something wrong with covering your genitals with PB&J?
You might’ve also included Tennessee’s marvelous ability to lose the top in-state recruit every year. On the plus side for the SEC, Urban Meyer went Tecmo Bowl on us and decided to give the ball to Bo Tebow when it mattered. He also went Pop Warner by bringing back the swinging gate fumblerooski and ladder.
And back west? The poor Pac-10 is embarrasing itself yet again.0-3 in bowl play and so much more pain to go. My only hope is to distract Lamar Woodley with whatever the hell will placate him and keep him from eating John David Booty in two bites.
http://loserwithsocks.blogspot.com/2006/10/coach-orgerons-press-conference.html
One time at band camp, we covered our genitals in PB&J. We then went out in the field with members of marching bands from other schools. We then licked the PB&J off of each other’s genitals and then we all tried playing the trumpet.
Texas’s band was slightly better than Tennessee’s band members at this.
Our band is better than your band.
Please Coach Zero, never ever leave Oxfuh – you’re a treat!
Hey, I just reread the piece and he didn’t say ANYTHING about jelly. You people are truly sick.
GOOD OLE SOCCER!
That was an absolute mess. The whole thing. Not once did I read it and think you should be writing anything that could be construed as comedy. To be fair, you could’ve had more to work with. The sequel to the Phil Fulmer sob letter to the fans would’ve been great material. However, that’s really no excuse either simply because – if there were no material worth writing about, you could simply have chosen another topic or, better yet, just not posted anything at all. But I understand that the internet has created an age where anyone who laughs at their own jokes can come and put their “ideas” out for anyone to see. Good luck in the future. And those of you who thought this was worth reading, do us a favor and keep it to yourselves. Waste of a link.
Brad, you are on your own with this comment. You do not like it. PERIOD. Do not spread your angst to others. I certainly do not need it.
Pretty good read. That crazy coach O has gotten under some skin, huh? Getting 6 of the commercial appealstop ten most wanted last year certainly didn’t make him any new friends! I’m afraid it’s gonna get worse before it gets better, I look forward to more good reads on him from our UT friends, keep up the good work!
There are great restaurants in Oxford. We got us a new Mcdonalds, Wendy’s and Taco Bell.
You know we gonna be the National champs in the next couple of years. Plus we got the Grove, how many other schools can you go to and drink all you want, even if your only 14? Boy you come to Oxford and me and JoJo will whip your butt, just so coach O don’t have to take time out of his busy day to do it.
I never said I spoke for you, Valentra. I have no dog in this fight as he didn’t insult anyone I care to defend. I was simply commenting that it wasn’t humorous. It wasn’t. He seemed to run out of material after the first couple of lines for each one and the filler was mind-numbingly awful. You know what they say about wit and brevity. Or maybe you don’t since you found this entertaining.
Brad
You Keep coming back and posting, i just added jiffy to my crotch, it’ s your move brad
Brad, go back to your gardening board, I am deeply sorry that you were forced by whoever linked this article to spend an agonizing 5 minutes on our humble site.
Interestingly, you are still here. I’ll be glad to provide your email address if you are looking for some more attention.
Right on about coach zero, I hear the bomb ticking whenever he wakes up. Live down from him, he needs to stay so we have something to laugh about around town. Yes, most rebels are embarrassed by him.
MizunoMP33
It doesn’t matter how well the O recruits, one has to wonder if the recruiting is “incentive based”, O has the early signs of fulmer-itis, he will squander that talent because he is a mental midget
I think Ed is doing a bang up job.
Oh vols, you’re such a silly little guy. You think I’d give you an email address that I check regularly or use? Write what you want to write. I just thought it would be fun to get a rise out of you and yours. After all, isn’t that what you’re doing with your blog? Getting a rise out of other SEC fans who read it and may be, as fans, sensitive to the material you put in it? That’s exactly what you’re doing. But it’s not as fun to you when it’s turned around and you’re the butt of the comments. That’s why I came back. To see how you’d respond. To see if you could take what you dish out. I think that question has been answered. Now email away! I’ll read it, I swear.
Brad, good to see you. It has been such a long time since you posted here. Are you punisher of playground bullies? Comment 25 was for you
Brad is the e-puppet master. I am completely virtua-humiliated. Your comments will not be deleted, and you are more than welcome to be our angry “I hate it here but I’ll hang around” resident. Would you like to be a mod?
Anyway, I wonder where the Bammers are. A question – could someone make a civil case against PBjr. for neglecting his duty of loyalty to UAB as a member of the UAB board? The law imposes such. I would like to see some Birmingham locals sue him. Thoughts?
Life while you can bitches!
Saban’s comin’ to BAMA and then we’ll be back!!1 WooHoo!!111!1
Saban to bama? I think that you are correct.
Brad is a loser
Saban is such a snake. He looked Wayne H in the face and promised to stay. All the Dolphins need is a QB.
You forgot to mention Ed O keeps the interior remodel business booming from him tearing up walls, furniture and anything else not bolted to the floor in the IPF.
[...] The 5 Most Embarrassing Moments in 2006 SEC Football [...]
Vols, nice try, but there is no ribeye on the menu at Downtown Grill. Anyone looking for satire on SEC football teams and coaches that is actually funny should stick with EDSBS. This blog sucks.
Orson Swindle is queer at the EDSBS. He has no imagination
Brad, when was the last time you won an arguement with your wife/girlfriend?
i f’n love makers mark, wheh hew. yeah buddy.
how old are you, 15? alcohol still a big deal to ya? sweet
Maker, EDSBS is threatened by LWS.
volsaretehsuxors,
If the Dolphins sell, then Saban has an out!!!!!11
Lou Holtz is not a grannie!! how dare you suggest that he left that team in shambles. He beat Georgia!!
I would appreciate if you would remove my picture immediately. You are using my Christmas card without my permission.
LOL! Google images giveth, and Google images taketh away.
I agree, EDSBS feels us coming on strong
“alcohol still a big deal to ya?”
No, peble. Alcohol is not a big deal to me. It’s just a name I’ve used on message boards for a long time. But, when I do have a drink on occasion, I am quite fond of Maker’s Mark.
Funny stuff!
Maybe Coach O goes to Bama?
Unbelievable, Deadspin and EDSBS (fraidy cats) did not link this post. I know why Orson did not link it, because this site slams Meyer, but Deadspin? This post is thousand times funnier than the bullshit on the Blogdome
I challenge anyone to show me a funnier story from the link below
http://www.deadspin.com/sports/blogdome/blogdome-camo-day-and-night-224867.php
Is Bama ever gonna get a coach this season?
“I’ve had a ribeye at downtown”. Funny stuff. Did you get the big texas toast with that? A baked tater and big ol glass of sweet tea? You vols crack me up. I hear the “stackers” are good at Ruby Tuesdays, try it next time instead of the ribeye. Does cotton eyed joe serve food?
How dare you say anything about Coach Orgeron! You don’t know what this man goes through, what he puts up with, what he’s done for the Oxford community. You get your nipples pierced like a real man and then we’ll talk.
When is your last day, Grant? Hope your sticking around for the big signing day finale’.
SEC bands are better than Big Ten bands.
My daddy says so.
F.C. King takes it the pooper from orson Swindle
You’re right on about Lou Holtz. He’ll lie through his teeth to recruits and when he leaves a program it’s scorched earth time.
Btw, that fella who compared Ole Miss to the Cubs forgot that the Cubs won two world series, back in ’07 & ’08. 3 fingers Mordecai Brown and Tinkers to Evers to Chance — a great team.
Great post–you’ve verified most cliches about the south.
What the hell are you thinking? Bama’s had a rough time the past decade or so, but biggest embarrassment in the SEC, over Lou Holtz? That’s a bunch of bullshit.
Bama’s in a rebuilding year, how the fuck do you expect a team to return to 2-loss form after having to replace their starting Quarterback and pretty much THEIR WHOLE DEFENSE?
And if Bama’s such an embarrassment, how come they had one of the best recruiting classes in all the nation?
Sure, Mal Moore and Bryant Jr. are disgraces, but not just to the SEC, they’re disgraces to the University and the programs they represent.
Some people are more angry than others
Mike Shula woulda won that game. Nice Job Mal Moore
I agree…
I thought that Texas A&M’s band was better than Alabama’s band.
Who cares about the football game. We all know that it is the battle of the bands that matters right?
Actually, the game reminds me one time at band camp when we cornholed the other schools band campers…I’ll save this story for next time.
We heard today that Mal Moore has decided that Alabama
no longer needs a football coach and that they have stopped
looking for a replacement.
You know, Moses wandered in the wilderness for 40 years and he never made it to the promised land,” Kines preached. “But God did make him get up on the mountain and see it.”
Band camper, Bama played Oklahoma St.
You don’t write very often but when you do, it is 100% solid gold. Well done assbag.
What do I know about football?
I’m just a stupid gay piccolo player who fingered piccolos at band camp.
This is a marching band blog isn’t it? Afterall, people were debating best college marching bands.
Do you know about Diamonds, assbagger?
TN Hillbillies making fun of Cajuns…..how grand!
You are obviously jealous of the SEC and havent a clue about OLE MISS… WHAT A LOOSER YOU ARE!!!!!!!!
Cooley spellcheck can be a friend if you let it
pure gold.
Pan Am Games Gold
poop on all things Bama
Bama Rules! this is gonna be our year baby
olive garden menu
olive garden menu