Suspended Gator (or will he play?) “Medicinal Marcus” Thomas wishes the Florida Gators “Bonne Chance” in Glendale and discusses the marijuana news of the year as well as hopes and plans for a wonderful 2007.

(Part 2 in series of chronicles the success of one the SEC’s Greatest Field Generals ever to prowl the sidelines. A rare insight to the inner workings of a genius.)

Many pundits believe that there are many reasons for the Florida Gators success this season: Chris Leak, Tim Tebow, Percy “Dennis Rodman” Harvin, the Spread Option, a smothering defense are among many. We would like to submit a more likely galvanizing recommendation: Marijuana, Mota, Ganja, Wacky Weed. That is why Florida is in the National Championship Game. Before you leave us a comment that says “Bullshit” or you are an “idiot” look at the evidence below.

We obtained a copy of Herban Meyer’s 2006 Team strategy from a disgruntled Florida Player’s father (let’s just say that the father is considered “high maintenance”) . We have been unable to verify the authenicity, but based on historical references, we believe that the document is real. These, we believe, are the notes, thoughts and doodles of Herban Meyer. This is a manifesto a recipe for success, Here are the highlights and explantions for why things happened for the Gators: (Full size version linked here or here)

• Meyer’s complex player suspension algorithm. The algorithm fooled opposing coaches. They could not know prepare because they didn’t know or understand what Coach Meyer would do next on suspending his players for their crimes. The manifesto even shows the Gators 2006 Schedule that displays games to be played and suspended for Jarvis Moss and Marcus Thomas.

• Establishes the Nick Saban nexus to Meyer. It has been long rumored for years that Meyer is a “poor man’s Nick Saban”. Many believe that Meyer is merely mirroring Saban’s career path. Look for Meyer to jump to the NFL very soon, especially if he wins against the Buckeyes.

• After the news of the numerous marijuana “violations” broke, Meyer began working for marijuana legalization. Rationalizing that this antiquated law hurt his players present and future incomes. Later this year, Meyer plans on testifying to Congress on the adverse impact of the Marijuana suspensions on the Gators BCS quest. Meyer even changed his first name from “Urban” to “Herban” to show solidarity with his defensive line. Stories of Gator Mota linked here

• Development of the team mottoes such as “let’s roll” and “roll Gators roll” (get it? roll?? like a joint?). We can only speculate that these are related to the gators marijuana issue.

(Meyer and embattled DT Marcus “Medicinal” Thomas pictured above)

• The preseason quarterback battle between Tebow and Leak that was topped off by a catfight between Gator Daddies Bob Tebow and Curtis Leak in the men’s bathroom at the Athletic Complex. Sexual harassment charges were filed but later dropped at Meyer’s prodding. Read about the Gator Daddy Fight here

(It was rumored that Leak and Tebow refused to speak to the other during this photoshoot)

• The introduction of blumpkin and shart into the Gator lexicon.
  • Blumpkins helped to ease the Tim Tebow transition onto the field and the Chris Leak Transition to clipboard holding and headset wearing on the sideline.
  • Sharting quickly became synonymous with Chris Leak. Leak later learned to control his spastic colon that would release each time Meyer would call the option. Meyer tasked the Gatorade Scientists to develop absorbent game pants for Leak . These space-age big boy pants reduced the number of adult diaper changes that Leak needed each game, allowing him to stay on the field longer. (Interview with Leak is here..link)

(Here is another reason why Meyer wants to be rid of Leak)

• Meyer does/did hate the flamboyant and highly demostrative Chris Leak. We believe that Meyer was developing a plan to discredit and remove Chris Leak as the Florida quarterback. Why else would he continously test Leak’s weak sphincter with the QB Option calls? Everyone knows that Leak does not like phyical contact, and the thought being hit created a sharting incident. Was it the sharting or the contact that Meyer wanted for Leak? Florida fans lustily booed Leak during home games. Or does the chant “TE-BOW” mean Florida fans really love Chris Leak? Read the stories here link1 link2 link3