Sweet 16 time…

The Sweet 16…usually when this time around most Vol fans are making plans for their trip to the Orange and White game and the Volquest BBQ to hang out with cool guys like Fratrow (rocking the sweet state flag belt, I‘m sure), subway melt, and Pervez Musharraf aka Bob Flewis. But with the hiring of Bruce Pearl, UT fans (with the exception of Lloyd Braun) have taken time out of their busy schedules of watching junior year recruiting videos and worshipping at the altar of Jonathan Crompton to take in a little hoops.

In the spirit of that newfound basketball awakening, we’re going to break down the Sweet 16 matchups Sports Guy style…

Midwest Region
1. Florida v. 5. Butler
Towards the end of the regular season, the Gators were playing like they were dipping into Herban Meyer’s stash of the sticky icky icky. It seemed like they would rather be sitting on the couch eating Doritos and cleaning their AK-47’s instead of playing basketball. They seemed to flip the switch in the SEC tournament when the dominated everyone, but returned back to the “I’m so high, all I smell is the smoke. Yeah dat motherfucking green, yeah that goddamn dope.” mode at times in the first two rounds. The Gators are going to have to put down the bong if they want to get pasted a scrapy, well-disciplined Butler team that will make the Gators work for everything.
Prediction: **cough** **cough** Damn **cough**that’s some good shit**cough** Gators.

3. Oregon v. 7. UNLV
It’s the matchup of Birkenstock wearing tree huggers against mob connected gambling degenerates…sounds like a fun time. This actually may be one of the best games of the weekend. Oregon is led by a 3-point draining midget while the Rebs have a whiter (and far better) version of Tubby and Saul Smith in Lon and Kevin Kruger. We’ll dub this game the Carnival Sideshow.
Prediction: UNLV

West Region
1. Kansas v. 4. Southern Illinois
The “This is ouuuuuuuuuuur country” game. Two red state Midwest teams? It’s a Chevy wet dream. Get ready to see that commercial about 500000 times while this is on. Anyway….

Kansas is good…scary good. They may be the best team left in the tournament (especially when all the Gators are high). But with the elimination of Texas and their coach Rick Barnes, Bill Self becomes the worst coach left in the tournament. I still think their talent is enough to overcome anyone they’ll see until the Final 4. They’re so good I don’t even have a joke about them.
The Saluki’s are a typical, well-disciplined mid-major. If they want to have any shot they’re going to have to slow the game down big time and keep Kansas from using their superior athletes…good luck with that.
Prediction: Kansas

3. Pitt v. 2. UCLA
While the Oregon-UNLV match up is going to be one of the most exciting of the weekend, this will be one of the worst. The best line concerning this game from one of the ESPN talking heads was “This game will be in the 80’s…46-41.” If you watch every game but one, make sure this is the one. Lots of slow play, lots of defense…lots of sleep for everyone watching.
Prediction: Who gives a shit

East Region
1. UNC v. 5. USC
I know I wasn’t the only one to look up at the ticker and see USC stomping Texas and say, “Um, what??” Well, Rick Barnes incompetence finally caught up with the Horns. Rick, if you have a smaller faster guy guarding a 6-9 guy YOU TAKE HIM TO THE POST!! Any retard could figure that one out…well apparently not ANY retard. As for this game, Tyler Hansbrough is a big a big ole hairy winning machine. And Brandon Wright, the Magic Man to Hansbrough’s El Diablo, pisses excellence (yes that is 3 Ricky Bobby references in 2 sentences…top that shit Jai). Look for these two to dominate the Trojans (would someone please explain to me why a school chose a mascot based on a civilization that was massacred down to the last man?) in the post. However, if Reyshawn Terry doesn’t play, which is apparently a possibility due to illness, look for Nick Young and Gabe Pruitt to make a game out of this one.

Prediction: UNC6. Vandy v. 2. Georgetown
A match up of the Big East Player of the Year and the Fake SEC Player of the Year (Byars is good but he‘s no Chris Lofton). Jeff Green and Roy Hibbert is going to dominate the goon, Lurch-like post players Vandy trots out. The Hoyas are going to send Bald Kevin and the Dores home crying to their sidewalk alumni (seriously…go to a Vandy game…less that 1% of those necks went there) and intramural sports department. As you can tell, I don’t have anything funny or insightful to say about this game…I just hate Vanderbilt.
Prediction: Georgetown by 40

South Region
1. Ohio State v. 5. Tennessee
America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed (too much Ricky Bobby?) and we all know what happened last time Ohio State ran into some of that SEC speed…

::Insert video of BCS National title game which I can’t figure out how to do::

And just think Buckeye fan…all the Gators were fucking stoned.
Honestly, I don’t know how much of a shot the Vols have in this one. They were already seriously outmatched in the post in the previous match up…and Oden is 100% this time around. They are going to have to make their shots and use Chism and Childress to get Oden out of the middle…or they can poke him a few times until Greggy wails on them Xavier-style (just don’t expect to get the flagrant foul call).
Prediction: Vols (yeah I’m a homer…blow me)

3. Texas A&M v. 2. Memphis
This should be another great game. The Tigers are at a disadvantage since this is pretty much a home game for A&M. Also their star, Chris Douglas-Roberts is either going to be out or extremely limited with a sprained ankle. Good thing for Memphis, they are one of the deepest teams in the country. Jeremy Hunt is going to have to be hot and Joey Dorsey has to avoid the stupid fouls. For the Aggies, the gameplan should be simple…give the ball to Acie Law and get the fuck out of the way.
I’m pulling for Memphis for two reasons: 1. I’m from Memphis and more importantly 2. So I don’t have to hear anymore goddamn “____ fought the Law and the Law won” jokes. Every time the Aggies win, some sportscaster has to pull this one out and cackle like he’s the most original mother fucker on the face of the earth. Yeah dude…you’re about as original as Orson Swindle.