CBS and ESPN have turned Billy Packer and Dick Vitale into wildly-popular/hated personalities. These two eggheads pioneered the “if you can’t coach, then you can be a broadcaster” career track for others like Lee Corso, Bill Curry, Bob Davie and Mike Gottfried. Their talent to capture the hearts and minds of their viewers is undeniable.

The in-depth analysis below—based on ten whole minutes of research on Deadspin, Google, the Urban Dictionary, and Wikipedia—asks the BIG question: “Who would win in a fight?” I dream of Vitale and Packer having some kind of old man of basketball duel. I guess Packer and Vitale must hate each other because they have to fight over who gets to kiss the ass of their great ACC Master.

After you read our assessment, we’d like to know what you think:

Billy Packer
Height: 5′10″
Weight: est. 285lbs
Born: February 25, 1940 (February 25th coincidently is the same date of birth as Joakim Noah).
Education: Alumni of Wake Forest

Strengths:

• Nicknamed the “tough monkey” by former Georgetown Guard Allen Iverson for Packer’s penchant of taking really hot baths and observing his hairy nut sack float to the top of the water.

• A rude, hateful angry and bitter asshole that seems to hate the very sport that he invented. Billy has often referred to Dr. Naismith as a “fucking plagiaristic hack that stole the whole basketball concept from me”. He despises the kids who play college basketball, yet he makes millions passing judgment on their efforts.

• Channels anger and frustration from the fact that the Naismith Award, is mislabeled into a positive during fist fights. Should be known as the “Packer Award” since it was Billy Pakcer that invented basketball.

• Inappropriately touches Jim Nantz during basketball games (link). No discussion of touching while not watching basketball. Billy has heckled Special Olympians in the past.

Fire-in-the-Belly: Packer is considered to be the CBS Final Four “top banana”; the “kiss off the glass” isn’t as awful as most Vitale catch phrases, but it’s enough to make me mute March Madness when I see a layup coming. Packer’s shameless Dookie Man Crushes are much more publicized (and legendary). If CBS replaced Packer with a steaming pile of dog shit, would anyone notice?

Weaknesses:

• Often refers to himself as Coach K’s pregadore then self flagellates himself for being a dirty sick boy.

• Insanely afraid of the Dick Vitale: This would be difficult for Vitale to exploit, Billy is crafty. In a fair and just world, Packer would be a fry cook at Burger King.

• Packer hates handicapped parking spaces, but ironically loves to score ‘preferred fat ass‘ parking spots (could also be a strength).

Richard “Dick” Vitale
Height: est.6’2”
Weight: est. 180lbs.
Born: June 9, 1939 (Shares a birthday with Alektra Blue a porn star) in Passaic, New Jersey
Education: Seton Hall graduate. Interesting sidenote: Seton Hall’s womens coach is named Phyllis Mangina

Strengths:
• Professional Wackaholic; once reversed constricted himself while watching a Duke Highlight film. Rumored to have had his head surgically removed from Coach K’s ass.

• Wishes to touch Jim Nantz but has to “settle” for Rece Davis. Vitale uses this unrequited love as positive.

• Athletic: Rumored to have two penises. Hence the name “Dick”.

• Harnessed the Urban powers of ESPN’s Stuart Scott’s lazy eye. Like Scott, Vitale continues to explode with overused shtick and phrases like he is hawking pizza again. Booya Bitches

Weaknesses:

• Predictability: Vitale telegraphs his moves ahead of time. Ask Billy Donovan (LWS).

• Complacency: Vitale is on top of his game right now and may rely on his past successes to heavily. He may underestimate Billy, which would be a huge mistake.

Physical: Vitale, blind in his left eye, can be outflanked by Billy. Dickie V is so old that he is growing crust. Packer should consider using tranquilizers and a baseball bat.

Bottom Line:

Both Billy and Dick would bring a lot to the match. Dick is crafty, agile, and may have two penises. He’s certainly the people’s favorite, but not by an incredibly huge margin. Plus, Vitale is like the mean drunken family member who tells all of the family secrets just to make himself feel better. Except the drunk is more logical. The fact is that Dick might not be very good at fighting.

Billy has the weight, reach, experience, fire in the big belly, and the power of God on his side. Plus, if he fights as if he is losing his man-crush Jim Nantz to another person, it’s a lock, Billy winds. ACC Homers know fighting; it’s what they do.

Prediction: Dickie V (the underdog), by split decision…with Billy bitching and complaining that there are to many mid-majors involved (link). Vitale can’t be stopped. Vitale and the charge foul are why I hate college basketball.