As one of those people hooked on Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth series, I have created a list of my favorite creatures in the animal kingdom. I call it the Animal Kingdom BCS. The list is compiled from a male point of view. After all, I am very very male. I am chiseled, handsome, and without peer. But enough about me. Let’s talk about the animals. I like big animals and I like animals that kill and eat other animals and/or humans. I don’t include humans as animals because I do not think we ARE animals. But once again, I am off on a tangent.

Much like the real BCS, my animal kingdom BCS is a highly complex and confusing system. I input various variables into a spreadsheet which calculates and converts the raw data into a concise and accurate ranking of the best the animal kingdom has to offer.

Another similarity is that I do not release the animal kingdom BCS until a few weeks into the season, just so the computer models can have enough information to accurately rank the beasts. So without further delay, I give you my Animal Kingdom BCS

10. Penguin – Penguins are good for nothing. Except for the Original Penguin Polo’s found here for only $19.99!

9. Baboon – Let’s face it, monkeys are funny. Watching this little fairies wade through the water was priceless. What a bunch of nancies.

8. Polar Bear – A massive dissapointment. Polar Bears had the opportunity to eat humans at base camp but pussed out. Also, we saw a Polar Bear being chased away by one of nature’s fatass slobs, the walrus.

7. Walrus – Jabba the Hutt with fangs. Earned respect for shaming that white interloper, the Polar Bear. I’m not sure what interloper means, but Rev. Sharpton asked me to use it in a sentence.

6. Snow Leopard – Rare and elusive or just a coward? When your main meal is baby goats (scientifically known as “goatlets”) I vote coward.

5. Seal – Not the black British pop star. No, these seals showed some sack by ripping the useless penguin to bits. Luckily, seals will NOT get their flippers on your Original Penguin Polo found here for only $19.99!

4. Elephant – Many experts had predicted the elephant to be the eventual BCS champion, and perhaps with a miracle they still have enough time to make up ground. But there is no denying the damage done to the elephants during the last episode of Planet Earth. Perhaps the most dissapointing display of cowardess in the history of Planet Earth. That elephant ran like a nappy-headed ho on a fast break! I think they remain in the BCS simply due to reputation.

3. Lion – To be honest, I find the so-called “king of the jungle” a total bore. All they ever do is yawn, and I bet they are really all that tough. It took 30 of them to bring down an elephant and if that elephant wasn’t such a pussy the pride would have gone to bed hungry.

2. Great White Shark – A glorious display of athleticism and gore, the Great White leeps from the briney deep to catch a seal in mid-air. Only one creature earns more respect…….

1. Fox – I am terrified of geese. Any creature that has the cunning and courage to steal eggs from a goose is a champion of an animal. Let’s see if they can hold that ranking.