Anyone who’s ever watched an episode of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom knows that a cornered animal has two basic responses at its disposal: fight, or flight. What we’ve learned recently, following the arrest of former West Virginia star Adam “Pac Man” Jones, is that Rich Rodriguez is conditioning Mountaineer players to be an entirely more dangerous and unpredictable breed of animal.
Rodriguez has barricaded himself in a mountain stronghold in Morgantown, the southernmost suburb of Pittsburgh, PA. Following a highly illegal brainwashing program, West Virginia’s coach has taught his recruits the survival essentials. When adrenaline is running high, and a threat is detected, instinct takes over, and a Mountaineer player faces four choices, up from the standard person’s two:
- Fight it.
- Fuck it.
- Burn it. (This applies to most couch-shaped threats specifically. Divans, Sofas, Davenports, and former Kentucky Quarterback Tim Couch may also be in danger in these situations)
- Put it up on blocks in your front yard.
On the night in question, Pac Man’s threat response was defaulted to option #2, as he enjoyed the world-famous strip clubs of Las Vegas. Then Pac Man decided to “Make it rain!”, and the rest was history. As the fight escalated, Jones’ feral mind no doubt realized that his front yard was over a thousand miles away, and that a stripper on blocks would devalue his home and turn the lawn brown. With no lighter fluid in sight, the leather couches in the VIP room were safe as well. There was nothing left to do but fight. Can anyone blame him? He was obeying his instincts.
Pac Man and fellow Mountaineer Chris Henry received harsh suspensions from the NFL for their lawless behavior this year, which has some fans questioning Rodriguez’s techniques. But coach Rich knows – if you don’t recruit criminals, you don’t win, even in the Big East.
With Jones returning to Morgantown to serve out his suspension without pay, he’ll need a job. Apparently the Best Buy off the Interstate is looking for aggressive sales associates for the noon-10pm shift, which will still leave plenty of time to enjoy the Motown night life.
Adam Jones is living proof that no matter how hard you try, you just can not polish a turd.
Hopefully, the NFL can flush this piece of human excretement out of the state of Tennessee.
I just don’t even know what Morgantown is going to do with both Pacman and Bob Huggins in town. The whole town could burn before it’s all over.
Are public utilities an issue in West By God Virginia? As is, it is more like a small Central American Country? Similar to Honduras?
Herban Meyer learned from the master. The student has now become the teacher
pussywhipped
[...] I wrote about Pac Man Jones for Loser With Socks. That required a willingness to stereotype an entire state (it’s OK, it was West Virginia) [...]