Mr. Irrelevant’s Letter to the Detriot Lions
Dear Detriot Muthafuckin Lions and that assbag Matt Millen,
This is Ramzee Robinson. You just selected me with the 45th pick in the 7th round of the NFL draft. As I’m sure you know, that makes me “Mr. Irrelevant”. Let me thank you so much for granting me the unwanted attention that goes along with this title. My fucking face has already been on ESPN. Sportsdorks throughout the country have committed me to memory. Now everybody knows me as the worst player drafted in 2007.
(Photo courtesy of UAKing of BamaOnline’)
As you know, you could have easily just drafted some other no-talent fuckstick and signed me to a free agent deal ten fucking seconds after you turned that stupidass card into that loser stuck reading names in the 7th round. Then nobody would have noticed when I fail miserably in the upcoming camps. But oh fucking no. You had to pick me, so when I get cut from your garbage team people all over the fucking country will say “Mr. Irrelevant’s been released, he really did suck ass at football.” Hey Millen, you fat fuck, last I checked you didn’t have the greatest group of QB’s in the world, so why not draft Chris Leak? Irrelevancy would have been a fitting end to his career. I should do your job for you, lard ass.
And I’ve got another question. Where in the fuck did you have me rated in your draft evaluations? Number 255? Cuz that’s where you fucking picked me. How exactly did you differentiate between 254 and 255? Testicle size? SAT scores? Ability to fuck your wife? And who in the fuck did I beat out? Who is the lucky asshat who was sitting at 256 on your board? You know, the guy that got inked to a free agent deal ten minutes after the fucking draft was over. That lucky bastard isn’t already on Wikipedia for being “biggest douche-nozzle of 2007″.
With your 158th pick, you chose Johnny Baldwin from Alabama A&M. Do you even know who in the fuck that guy is? I went to goddamn Alabama you stupid fuck. Not Alabama A&T or whatever. Why not draft me at 158 based on that alone? Don’t sell me your horse manure about believing in my abilities. You signed a guy from fucking Alabama A&M over me. I used to shit in that guy’s cereal in high school. I gave his girlfriend herpes on purpose. You guys need to get your heads out of your asses and realize that Johnny Baldwin is a bumbling retard who had to sleep his way through a school full of retards. I can’t wait for the day when you realize that you drafted a painfully slow Mongoloid with the reflexes of the girl I roofied last night. It will be a glorious day. Too bad I’ll be leaving town on the same day as he does.
And don’t expect me to be thrilled cuz I got “draft money”. That extra 50 grand ain’t going to mean jack when I’m coaching middle school football in a month. You know what real money is Millen? 3 million. That’s fucking rap video money bitch. I may just be the first “Mr. Irrelevant” to hold out on their team. I want 3 mill just to show up to your bunkass city, and another 2 mill for not beating the shit out of you and your assistant. Cuz that’s how Ramzee fucking Robinson rolls. How’s that for irrelevant?
One last thing before I have to come to camp and start answering a bunch of goddamn questions from crackers who have never played a day of football in their life. I got ahold of Detriot’s scouting report on me from some ho that I’ve been slaying in your front office. Here’s what you said about me:
Strengths:
A smooth athlete…Has fluid hips…More quick than fast…Nice recovery speed…A solid tackler who will support the run…Has a lot of experience…Hard worker with excellent intangibles…He could also contribute as both a kick and punt returner.
Weaknesses:
A tad undersized and lacks ideal bulk…Is not very instinctive…Timed speed is only average…Questionable hands and isn’t a playmaker…Has some technique issues that’ll need to be resolved…He’s not very physical in coverage…Limited ball skills.
Notes:
Was a three-year starter in the SEC…The type who’ll never be a star at the next level but could make a roster as a nickel or dime guy…Real value might come on special teams…Could be a pleasant late round surprise…Underrated coverman.
First off, what in the fuck does “fluid hips” mean? That sounds as queer as a tennis helmet. I didn’t think I was playing for the Rainbow Lions. No I will not make out with you Millen. Second, you said that I’m not a playmaker and that I’m not instinctive. Oh really? Well fuck your ass. I’ve got the instinct to know when I’ve been drafted by a guy who “snacks” at Barnhill’s Buffet. And I’ve got the playmaking ability to shiv you in the kidney if you disrespect me again.
So thanks again Detriot, I can’t wait to get to your dumbass shitty town.
Sincerely,
Ramzee Robinson aka Mr. Relevant to your fucking safety Matt Millen
Vote here
I can’t believe I am the first to comment. Wow!!!Fucking Ian Gold
Holy shat, instant classic.
Good stuff
Posted by “volscantLOOSETHEREwinners” — classic.
Could he have meant “volscan’tlosethey’rewinners”? Who knows? With that much of a limited vocabulary, anything’s possible. How’s Rashaun Fellows doing?
Sure would be nice to get the viles back on AU’s schedule. Automatic SEC wins are hard to come by.
Ramzee Robinson is such a great name
You’re a fucking idiot fivefingerbang. If you didn’t get that joke, I suggest you not try the heavy lifting later in the article.
We don’t get many hostile Auburn fans here, just shows that there are bad apples in every fan base.
Which reminds me, the Newspaper Hack Dick will be crying about this post. Here is some of his previous sad sack shit
Weeper
Damn good stuff
do you want to have sex with me?
As an Alabama fan that is comic gold right there!!! Keep up the good work!!
Ramzee is 5′9″ and Matt Millen is 6′2″ – looks like someone’s going to need a stepstool before he starts kicking ass.
Gold
Question Jai, which is greater, Ian Gold or Pan Am Gold?
Hahahaha… This is great! I love it. And I’m a huge BAMA fan.
P.S. Ramzee Robinson IS a great name. And he would beat the dog sh*t out of Millen’s fat, old, out-of-shape ass.
“queer as a tennis helmet”
beautiful.
When did you have time to do this? I thought you only wrote about Urban..
BS!!! RR didn’t really write that… the Shula Mafia had cemented team captain Juwan Simpson write it for him.
Freakin OUTSTANDING!!!
Has fluid hips…More quick than fast…Nice recovery speed
Football evaluation or Porn-star tryouts?
One of the funniest things I have read in a long time.
I understand football player’s “fluid hips”
LOL this made my day.
Fuckin hilarious. Prove Detriot wrong my friend.
It could have been worse, you could have gone to the Raiders.
The Lions have 1 playoff win in the past 50 years, I thought it would says something about how even HOFer Barry Sanders didn’t get past the Divisional Playoffs.
Long, but funny!
Millen would’nt have it any other way. I say he did it cause your black. He would never dream of doing that to a white player, Matt Millen is a racist SOB, I wish Detroit would wake up and shuffle Millen to the back can’t we learn anything from Bobby clark.
eh, I didnt even know detroit got this guy…what’s his name?
http://politicsandreligion.wordpress.com
chinga suuuuu……
One name: Marques Colston.
Thank you, and good night.
Got to love that smack!!!
Alabama’s whole team is irrelvant
Hilarious!
Excellent!!!
-Matt
http://www.mattgunn.ca
“3 million. That’s fucking rap video money bitch. I may just be the first “Mr. Irrelevant” to hold out on their team.”
Good God That’s Some Funny Shit!!!
As a lifelong Longhorn, I must say people in Alabama have a sense of humor I can appreciate!… I was laughing so loud, I woke up my 6 week old son, and my wife is pissed!… It was worth it though!
Thanks for the information bro!
It was helpful!
If anyone wants more information on cricket check out this blog
http://www.howtoplaycricket.wordpress.com
What the hell IS a tennis helmet, though??
The TRUE worst player in the draft is Orenthal O’neal, Fullback, Arkansas State. Who is he? Exactly.
Shannon: What the hell IS a tennis helmet, though??
This is! http://www.plasticnipple.com/images/dumb_hat.jpg
Thanks for the information!
It was helpful!
If anyone wants more information on cricket check out this blog
http://www.howtoplaycricket.wordpress.com
This was hilarious, I actually added a link to your post on my blog. Keep up the good work.
Hilarious. From a Bama fan..
Somewhere, Chris Leak is laughing. Just not very much.
Bama will win 327 more national championships under Saban. Book it, bitches!
ROFL
legendary.
Coooool!
I don’t think that is actually the guy. Who would talk bad about a team that hasn’t even signed you. Plus in one part he says he is going to be released and be a coach not two long from now, then says he played at Alabama (SEC) for 3 years and should have been drafted higher. People who get drafted higher usually don’t get cut until after their first year, and don’t thik they will be cut, but this guy thinks he will be cut soon. I think this is some jackass predending to be Ramzee Robinson.
Whatever Chris. It’s real dood. Ramzee Robinson actually wrote this to the head of the team he is trying desperately to make. He thought that threatening the GM with violence would provide him his best opportunity for success. Then Matt Millen himself forwarded the letter to Loser With Socks, a Tennessee Football blog. It all makes perfect sense if you think about it.
Cheese and f’ing rice man…
Hey Chris (49)
You are a regular fucking Sherlock Holmes. Did you figure out on your own that Ramzee didn’t write or did mommy help you? No sense of humor makes people write posts like yours.
Chris,
Interesting stuff there. Tell me your thoughts on Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny
ujujuj I hope people who read my commenatry above read what I realy mean on my blog. Sex is a very delicate thing, bur realy love is worth more. That was my thought,
http://sofiawinterborn.wordpress.com/2007/05/02/sofiado-you-want-to-have-sex-with-me/
sofia,
Thanks for your comments. I can tell you really enjoyed the article. Mike Price will have sex with you. RTR.
Pierce me with words first, Sofia
sofia,
You’re supposed to respond: “it’s rollin baby, it’s rollin.” I take it you aren’t originally from Gu-Win?
I can’t believe this has not been linked to a Tennessee Board
That is some of the funniest stuff I have read in a long while.ROLL TIDE!
This is hilarious and I don’t even understand football.
I have said, thats right ramzee robinson light em up! so many times the past three years, he is a playmaker and a good cover man.
Jeebus Fuckin’ Christ!
This is one of the best posts I have seen in … nearly forever! Reminds me of fond letters I sent to my father in prison. Except the RR letter cleaned up its grammar a bit compared to mine.
If this really had been RR that wrote this, I would have signed him myself for a one year contract to commentate Detroit games! I couldn’t give him $3M, but I could give him a solid 6-digit salary!
If only ….
HOLY HELL HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sofia’s a cocktease…jsut sayin
Sofia’s a cocktease…just sayin
pure gold
Just do your best. Do´n´t care about the gossip…
sincerly sofia
Gossip
http://sofiawinterborn.wordpress.com/2007/05/25/sofiagossip-i-heard-a-terrible-conversation-yesterday/
I’m an Auburn alum, and I think that’s funny as hell. I have no beef with Mr. Robinson. In fact, I don’t see that it’s even relevant that I am an Auburn alum. That’s just plain damn funny!
roll tide