Sunday, future Hall-of-Famer and Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man twin, Roger Clemens announced his decision to return to the New York Yankees. In a touching ceremony during the 7th inning stretch, Clemens informed the crowd of his return from the owner’s box while George Steinbrenner openly tickled Clemens’ old-man sack with $1oo bills:

Well, they came and got me out of Texas and I can tell you it’s a privilege to be back. I’ll be talking to y’all soon. Now excuse me while I go down to the clubhouse and lick barbeque sauce off of Pettitte’s nipples.

Clemens out celebrating in New York after his announcement.

Clemens cemented himself as the biggest whore in Major League Baseball by agreeing to a 1 year, pro-rated $28 million dollar contract. He reportedly showed up to Yankee Stadium in a tube top and hot pants but Georgie gave him a brand new elegant red gown, “Pretty Woman” style.

Coming soon…Roger Clemens Bobble-heads!!

You smell that, Yankee-fan? That strange scent? It’s the odor of DESPERATION (well, desperation and Clemens-Pettitte butt sex). You just shelled out $28 million for a middle-aged man with a weight problem (and by weight problem I mean he makes Matt Stafford look bulimic) that can’t go more than 6 innings per start. You really think he’s going to save your shitty rotation? Or help out that overworked, arson-like bullpen? One decent starter reunited with his heterosexual (questionably) life-mate isn’t going to save your pitching staff. Be prepared to see this entry pop up on the transaction wire sometime in the near future:

NYY: Andy Pettitte placed on 15-day DL with tattered windsock.

Matt Stafford is just glad he isn’t the fattest guy in sports anymore.

The quote of the weekend goes to Lance Berkman who dropped this bomb to the Houston Chronicle

With this Rocket situation, there’s two kinds of people: people that are not surprised and morons. Where else was he going to go? He wasn’t going to come back here. From the moment Pettitte signed with the Yankees, there was 100 percent certainty that that’s where he was going.

There is definitely something creepy going on here. I know I’m not the only one that sees this. Every time Pettitte leaves a team, Clemens trails after him like a sick little puppy. I can only imagine the Brokeback visions that flashed through Mrs. Clemens’ head when she was informed of the decision…

Don’t try and fool me no more, Roger; I know what it means! Andy Pettitte. Andy Nasty! You didn’t go up there to pitch!

I wish I knew how to quit you.