Finally,Orgeron Wins!!
In Honor Of Ed Orgeron finishing dead last in the Sporting News SEC’ s Coaching ratings please enjoy this moving sharticle on Batshit Crazy Ed finally winning something. [Sporting News]
It seems that everyone in Oxford is just sitting around and staring at each other. Since those of us who find ourselves held against our will in Mississippi are terribly sensitive about feeling left out of any “build-a-fence around Memphis” fun, I thought it prudent to import a diluted, Lower Alabama version of the hipster-iconic Stare-Off Titty Twisting competition to Oxford.
I invited my favorite illiterate last place coach, Ed Orgeron to a locked-gaze titty-twisting duel. Ed and I had first met at a “Get Unexpectedly Struck in the
Hindquarters” Party that he and Herban Meyer (before he got famous) threw at Meyer’s trailer near the Grove, when Ed quite stealthily managed to smite me with an aluminum replica of a fraternity paddle that he’d had custom-made for the event. It made a “ping” sound similar to a baseball being hit in a Little League game by a Dominican kid lying about his age when he cranked me across my rump while I was whispering something filthy in Jenn Sterger’s ear. Once I’d stopped vomiting from the pain and surprise, we played some eight-ball (he’s a shark, naturally) and became fast friends while getting shitfaced on mojitos and ketamine.
I returned to Orgeron’s house as he graciously offered to host our contest. We sat cross-legged across from each other on the floor of his living room as the other guests circled us. The Ole Miss Athletic Department’s Braintrust Pete Boone had
volunteered to direct an eye-popping, CGI-enhanced production where our contest would be projected on the walls around us and simultaneously on the Jumbotron at Neyland Stadium, but Orgeron and I are nothing if not old school. We eschewed the Coonass foofaraw (That is Cajun Coonass for Fluffer) in favor of a bare-knuckles version that inexplicably required that I wear a Hello Kitty thong (“House rules,” he explained — but I wouldn’t be cowed by bush-league mind games). Our ground rules: first one to break the gaze or smile loses. The room started to quiet down as we were ready to engage each other in a stare that couldn’t be broken, but soon the chatter around us started to take on an uncomfortable Thunderdome quality. Orgeron slashed a finger across his throat and the hum was instantly silenced.
Somewhere, an egg timer jangled. Game on Bitches.
Looking into Orgeron’s crazed fucking eyes on an ordinary day is not an exercise for the squeamish. His stare, intense and barely concealing a Les Miles-esqe clockwork of his mind, has been known to cause incontinence in Florida Quarterbacks. But in a staring contest, his pig-eyes are a virtual weapon. When first we joined our gaze I felt a sensation in my lower abdomen that I somewhat hysterically believed to be my testicles liquefying.
Some say his eyes are dead. They are wrong. You can’t know this until you sit across from him joined in competition. You know that his brain is dead.
I did not look away.
After a minute or so of uninterrupted staring, Orgeron made the first move to break me. He raised a hand to his mouth and simulated fellatio, his tongue poking at the inside of a taut cheek as an invisible cock was being readied.
No reaction from me. I wasn’t going out like a punk on some feeble blowjob pantomime. I counterattacked with an admittedly weak move which I call the Jerrell Powe where I pretended to pull an invisible piece of string through my ears. I just needed to get my stare-legs under me.
Orgeron snapped his fingers. The troubled and confused Juco QB Brent Schaffer waddled just to the side of our sight-line, wearing a tiny grass skirt and a Carmen Miranda fruit basket hat. I felt a twinge at the corner of my mouth, the birthing of a smile. But I swallowed it down as I wondered if the Mini-Me move was even legal.
My countermove was no move at all. I was going to take him on with a move called the “Joe McKnight“, the bored stare of a star high school running back that who promises to attend Ole Miss but shits all over Crazy Ed at the last minute to attend Southern Cal while the rest of the country laughs their ass off at his continued misfortune.
We sat there for an eternity. He was content to fight back with the slumped eyes of a disappointed parent. Damn him for being so brilliant, I thought.
Then he made a move. Using only the muscles around those crazed, yet supremely expressive, eyes and some carefully considered body language, he managed to convey to me the thought of Sly Croom in a carrot-eating contest.
I was floored, a glass-jawed victim of Mike Tyson in his prime. My eyes wildly panned across the faces in the rapt crowd, all of whom looked away as if I had just splatted on the sidewalk smoking area outside their office’s high-rise.
Orgeron wins, someone shouted the rare and almost unheard of, “Orgeron + wins”, those two words are never used together.
I stood up and started toward him with an outstretched hand, the gracious loser approaching the net.
“You never stood a fucking chance,” his left eye said. “Show yourself the door, pussy,” said the right.
We smiled and I headed for the door, still disoriented enough to forget that I was wearing skimpy underwear with a cute Japanese cat stretched across my package.
I’ll be back, Crazy Ed
Vote here
jenn Sterger is a skank
Awesome! Fucking Awesome!
Gold.
I didn’t send it to Deadspin, because it was to long. I believe that the average SEC fan has the attention span of a circus monkey…especially Orgeron lovers
I am waiting for a reply from Erik. But he probably doesn’t have the attention span to read the entire post.
this would have fit Herban Meyer much better, but I get tired of busting on Herban Switzer all of the time
I got distracted at the boobs. I bet the rest was good though too.
Touche. Well played.
EA,
You on wordpress now?
I was considering it, but blogger worked some shit out that I was getting pissed about. What’s the deal with paying for wordpress? It’s nice and all, but 25 cents a month? I can’t afford that shit. How’s about i give you a nickel and you lets me edit my template?
I’m sure you like it better, right?
I don’t pay anything. The 25 cents a month is new. We were up on blogger but it was to much of a hassle to to put all of the HTML on Blogger. Blogger seemed to load slower too, so we switched over and have been pretty happy..
I hear ya. My fear is that blogger is moving toward “AOL” status.
Internets/Blogs for dummies.
I may have read it wrong, but the basic wordpress is free. If you want to be able to edit your template, it’ll cost ya. Must be new. Who knows though. I didn’t have the attention span to read all that shit.
Taco Bell thinks you have a short attention span.
You can choose a template, add pics to the template, then select whatever widgets you want.
It was cleaner and easier for me to handle. I got tired of the HTML code BS
Yes, hence the reference.
Blogger’s got a new layout feature that makes most of that stuff a whole lot easier (almost oversimplified). Case and point, I got on wordpress to check things out and I liked it, but blogger is getting better so I haven’t made the switch yet.
Probably should have emailed all this, huh?
“I didn’t have the attention span to read all that shit.” – Erik.
ADD in the SEC, right?
Nothing snorting a little adderall can’t fix.
Damn, you really can tell that you went to Ole Miss.
wurd