We have obtained internal email communications between Coach Herban Meyer and the mysterious group known as the Bull Gators. Bull Gators are renowned throughout the SEC for providing exceptional fluffing and blumpkin services.

TO: All Bull Gators

FROM: Urban “Herban” Meyer, CEO, Chairman and Head Coach, T-h-e University of Florida

I know that you’re worried that you haven’t heard from me in a while, so now it’s time to set the record straight.

While a lot of bad things are being said about our team in the media, remember this one simple fact: Magic and imagination exist. They live and breathe and have a name, and that name is T-h-e University of Florida or for those who like to give me blumpkins so that their kids can get some playing time, that magical name is Urban (“Herban”).

We’ve recently fended off a shitload of arrests, and we’re stronger for it. Thanks again Gainesville PD for the discretion.

Now is the time for strong leadership. Make no mistake about it, I am captain of this ship (or, if you prefer, the driver of a “follow me” truck leading the way for one of those bigass trucks that are pulling one of those oversize load doublewide trailers on the freeway with one of those really badass horns where you pull the chain when the people driving the little cars next to you give you that totally cool chain-pulling signal) that hauls all of this Gator piss flippers, wizardry and homoance from our imaginal-factories to the receiving docks that are the hearts, souls and minds of our fans.

 (New Gator Student Dorms being delivered)

Close your eyes and believe, Bull Gators: I am Jeremy Foley’s busy and blurry right hand; I am Phil Fulmer’s whosyourdaddy; I am the guy following Steve Spurrier around with a plastic bag on his hand (only because I want to, not because I take orders from the mind-rays of a gigantic, Cock. That would be crazy!) to clean up his poop on a stick.

Recently, I allowed “the Board” (this is the same board that let Marcus Thomas play after he failed his 3rd urinalysis) to help me shed the cumbersome title of Chairman from my stationary, much as the Black Mamba sheds a layer of dead skin (note to the creative: What do you think about snakes? They are reptiles too. They’re a little scary, there’s bad Biblical associational bullshit, but worth exploring as spin off mascot before that school out west makes them adorable. BTW, “Board” think you don’t need me? Good luck, computer-nerd fuckers!) so that I could concentrate on my duties as CEO.

Chairman, what’s does that mean? CEO has a mystery to it; no one really knows what it stands for. Sometimes I spend entire days dreaming up exactly what a Ed Orgeron might do or what he would act if he was the Captain of this ship (Ed is a poor man’s Ron Zook). This is a company of dreams, and I am its the reigning Emperor Octopus Grabus.

This e-mail is simply to let you know that I’m on top of things, and The University of Florida Company is in good hands. I know they’re good because I was them at least three times an hour. Also, I know that it’s not called the Meyer-Barry Switzer Company. That was a joke. I certainly haven’t lost my sense of humor, otherwise why would I have drilled a hole in my six-foot plushie Gator’s head to let out the bad humors?

Off to swab the poop deck of the Good Ship Gator. Not because I have to but because I want to. It’s a dirty and naughty ship.

Your amigo,

Urban “Herban” Meyer
A crackerjack asshole with a pair of drumsticks in his hand
T-h-e University of Florida