The Real Who’s Now

I thought I would let you guys get in on this.  You can also check out the most recent analysis of the Steroids region, if your interested in this competition. 

After watching ESPN’s tired new segment, Who’s Now, for the past few days, we reciprocated the boredom by constructing our own Who’s Now bracket. A bracket that actually absorbs the interest and attentiveness of men/women across this country. With participants who actually have meaning and substance. Accompany that with match-ups that sports fans across the world have deliberated about for centuries, and you have a tournament which alleviates many deep-seated questions the sports world would of never known otherwise.

Welcome to the, Real Who’s Now.

Today we will talk about the East region, or as we call it, the Caveman region

Caveman region

#1 Greg Oden vs. #8 Gumby

In a very deceiving matchup between two titans in their respective industries, the No. 8 seeded Gumby looks like the Generals versus the Globetrotters. But after some further investigation, this 51-year old child-pleasing phenom could end Greg Oden’s campaign for Who’s Now supremacy.

Oden earned his No. 1 seed by being drafted No. 1 overall in this years’ NBA draft. The Caveman esque teen awed college basketball fans everywhere during his freshman season, leading Ohio State to the national championship game. Not to mention, he let his best friend’s (Mike Conley Jr.) dad work as his agent.

The flexible little bastard bursted onto the scene where he starred in movies, video games, television, and has even been parodied on Saturday Night Live. His increased popularity drove him to drop his last name, McPherson, in a move that’s only been done by the world’s elite such as: Moses or Madonna. You take your pick.

In a recent interview,

Gumby stated, “I knew I’d made it when Smashmouth played at my 50th birthday party.”

So after much meditation and soul searching, the reality, the real reality, is Gumby is only 2.5 inches tall.

Winner: Greg Oden
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#2 Stuart Scott vs. #7 Stuart Little

In a battle of the Stuarts, the two/seven match-up clashes ESPN’s own Stuart Scott against movie-star/professional rodent Stuart Little.


Stuart Little got its first break when E.B. White’s children’s book Stuart Little was made into a movie in 1999. Little serves as an adopted mouse who lives in New York city and ends up becoming attached to the Little family who decide to take him in as their own. He scored a sequel, Stuart Little 2, in 2002. Not to mention, the lesser known, Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild, which was released in 2006. Stuart Little 3, however, did not make it into the theatres. Sources say Little’s alcohol problems and his convicted rape charge did not appeal to his targeted audience (ages 3-7).

Little responded to these allegations by saying, “Hey, I love whiskey, what can I say?”

Stuart Scott, on the other, is arguably the most recognizable Sportscenter anchor. Many people feel Scott pioneered the use of slang terms and catch phrases to enliven his broadcast performance. He has been at ESPN since 1993, and has used ESPN to spring board into other genres. Scott’s made appearances in Drumline, Mr. 3000, and the Longest Yard. All of which received a total of six thumbs downs, and a kick in the nuts as punishment.

However the Achilles heel of Scott’s push to the Round of 16 was the story behind his eye. In an attempt to chronicle the life of an NFL player during mini-camp, Scott permanently damaged his right eye while striving to catch a ball coming out of a jugs machine (machine that receivers use to practice catching).

Winner: Stuart Little
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#3 Cleveland minus Lebron vs. #6 A cup


There is not much to say about this matchup. I mean it’s hard to compare a bunch of spare NBA basketball players to a cup. And it would seem it would be a landslide. But don’t be too sure. While a cup can’t put the ball in the hoop, neither can the Cavaliers minus Lebron. And at least a cup is good for something i.e holding water.

Winner: A cup

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#4 Cubs fan vs. #5 Barbaro

There are few things more depressing than the Barbaro saga that ripped our lives apart just a few short months ago. That is until you take into account your average Cubs fan. Years and years of tortured losses have turned these Wrigley dwellers into a motley crew of lovable losers. Let’s put it this way, a Cubs fan’s last taste of victory occured just weeks before William Taft became our 27th president. I’m not sure if a dead horse could out-weigh the pain and suffering of being a Cubs fan.

When asked what the nature of being a Cubs fan is like, season ticket holder Vinny “the bear” Niedermeyer replied,

“Have you ever got your dick run-over by a steam roller? It’s like that, but you get you’re dick runover 162 times a year.”

Barbaro’s career peaked after his 2006 Kentucky Derby victory, but after fracturing his leg in the Preakness, his reign at the top tragically came to a crashing hault. On the day of his death, flags were flown at half-mast and the Super Bowl was delayed for a full week. Every player on the Colts and Bears roster chose to wear a horse face insignia, that oddly drew an utter comparison to Sarah Jessica Parker, on the right shoulder pad of their jerseys (it replaced the traditional Super Bowl patch).

Well, because we’re nice people we are going to allow the Cubs fans to experience the thrill of victory at least once in their pathetic lives.

Winner: Cubs fan

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Voice your opinion in the comment section.
Stay tuned for a break-down of the three other brackets in this 32 team, winner take all, jubilee o’ fun.