As college football schedules have expanded, reaching the current bloated total of 12 games, have fans really received more value? Not really. Any team worth its salt includes a few cupcake teams on their schedule, in order to get the kinks out in the early going without risking a loss that would kill BCS dreams.

The classic cupcake schedule involves three September games against directional schools, typically at home. Military academies, commuter schools, and Division 1-AA wannabes are also popular fodder. This season, I propose to call out the schools who schedule cupcakes, and to profile some of these schools nobody has ever heard of. The little-brother hubris of small school websites is always comedy gold.

First, a few rules to help us define a true cupcake.

• Conference foes, no matter how crappy, are not considered cupcakes, as they cannot be avoided when making out the schedule.
• If you play a bottom-feeder from another conference at home, that’s a cupcake. If you play them on the road, you’re still taking a risk. We probably won’t rag you for that.
• If your opponent becomes ranked by the time you play them, we’ll cut the cupcake ribbing. If they are “also receiving votes”, we’ll take it easy on you.
• Traditional geographic rivalries in which one partner has fallen on hard times must be honored – we won’t bash you too much for that.
• If your opponent played in a bowl game last year, we might reduce the level of grief given.
• The talent gap matters: Michigan vs. Appalachian State is a huge reach, Missouri vs. Western Michigan is not.
• Thine slack shall be cutteth if you schedule a weak sister the week after a monster non-conference matchup (example: Nebraska cruises the week before and after their huge game against USC – no problem!).

Obviously, these guidelines apply only to me. You guys can rip anyone, any time, as much as you want – that’s the beauty of the comment field.

My prototype list was drawn from the preseason comparison at collegefootballpoll.com, where they have put all of the usual sources side-by-side to help determine the NCAA elite. 39 BCS schools are listed on the chart, including Houston, who I almost excluded because only the computer voted for them, and computers don’t know shit about college football. But I remembered they made a bowl game last year and cut them some slack. I might as well, because their schedule doesn’t – they play at Oregon and ‘Bama OOC this year.

That’s all the detail I’m going to go into right now, but I have already picked out the classic cupcake games and put them on a schedule, so I can give you a macro-preview of some highlights:

Arkansas is devouring more cupcakes than Charlie Weis at a toddler’s birthday party – they top the list of shame with a full four null games: Troy, North Texas, Chattanooga, and Florida International, all at home. Really going for the gusto down there, Hawgs!

The state of Louisiana is almost single-handedly filling up non-conference schedules for the big boys. Louisiana Tech plays three BCS hopefuls, and they are joined by LA-Lafayette, Tulane, and LA-Monroe on the killing floor. Florida International and Eastern Carolina are also making a cottage industry out of taking the big-game check and lying down.

The best schedules are played by teams that know you can’t duck your way to greatness. Cal plays Louisiana Tech, but the rest of their schedule is solid. Florida State only stoops to play UAB in September. Nebraska plays Ball State, but also brings in USC. C-USA pretenders Southern Miss deserve props for traveling to Boise State and Tennessee, so we can’t bash them for also fattening up on Tennessee-Martin and East Carolina. UCLA plays mormons home (BYU) and away (@Utah), but are otherwise solid.

The award for the toughest schedule goes to USC, who not only must play their conference foes, but also play at Nebraska and at Notre Dame in-season. I almost don’t have the heart to knock them for playing Idaho. Almost.

That’s your season preview of The Cupcake Report. There’s a full slate of frosting-covered action starting in late August, so let’s all start counting the days!

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The Cupcake Report is prepared by Extra P., who trots out the Porn Name All-Stars all season long at his own blog, and runs the college traditions site College Rule Notebook.