The first weekend of college football season is the traditional time for teams to spoil their dinner by eating dessert first, which means that I have eighteen classic cupcake matchups to choose from between August 30th and September 1st.
As a result, this part of August will be dedicated to breaking down that first saccharine week, so we don’t have a 4,000 word post due the week before games rev up.
So, today, we’ll be looking at the four August games that drew my attention. First of all, I love college football, but the only reasonable way to watch an August football game is at home, in the recliner, with a beer. A couple years ago I went to a Colorado State @ Virginia game in August, and I damn near died. Drowned in my own sweat. That is not college football weather.
That said, here are the Thursday night games. A quartet of cupcakes for the discerning viewer.
AT 
One important note about Weber State: They have recently attracted a transfer from ‘Bama. Yes, he has Jimmy Clausen hair, and yes, he was run off by Nick Saban, but doggone it, he’s going to get things done at Weber State. I’m sure the ability to suit up immediately instead of sitting out a transfer season had nothing to do with his desire to play at a 1-AA school.
By the way, if you want to play at Weber, all you have to do is fill out this questionnaire. Sweet.
Boise State was 1-AA itself just eleven years ago, and now we’re supposed to consider them alongside the big boys? This is nothing more than a regional rivalry that has gone accidentally big-time. It’s that same trap I fell into when Gonzaga was making waves in the NCAA tournament. I loved the scrappy underdog for a couple of seasons, and now that they’re a permanent fixture, I’m kind of sick of them. Toddle along already, Boise. Go back to being known for blue turf and nothing else.
By virtue of being in the WAC, BSU’s schedule is already terribly weak. This Weber game is a tuneup for their one notable OOC game – at Washington. I’m betting scheduling the big boys is going to get even tougher since they pulled that trick-play-a-palooza in the Fiesta Bowl. Nobody wants to look like a dick on national TV.
Best thing about Weber State? If this picture to the right (taken from the Weber website) is any indicator, there are dorky guys and hot bisexual chicks, so you stand a good chance of scoring if you pay them a visit. Perhaps that’s what drew Boise State to this game. In my opinion, even a win hurts them here, though obviously an early loss kills them, so it’s 6 of one, half-dozen of the other.
Utah @ Oregon State: Just in case you didn’t have enough reasons to hate Herban Meyer, here’s another one. Four years ago, we wouldn’t have even had to notice this matchup, because Utah was a joke. Then Herban Almighty had to come in and give the doorstop instant BCS at-large cred. Thanks.
Oregon State isn’t much better. Back to back championships in NCAA baseball is really all they should ask for in a million years. At least they give us the nickname “Beavers” to have fun with. I mean, honestly, Beaver Utes sounds like some really exotic porn.
Somehow, both of these teams have a Fiesta Bowl win on their resumes. I can’t explain it either. This is one of those awesome sugarless cupcakes that your diabetic aunt used to serve at halloween. According to ESPN’s Ladder 119 project, Utah is actually historically more relevant than OSU.
Pick ‘em!
Buffalo @ Rutgers: I’m willing to accept that Rutgers probably made out their schedule for this year before they knew what the expectations would be for the program in 2007. However, there are enough weak sisters in the Big Least already, did they really need to schedule Buffalo, Navy, Norfolk freakin’ State, and Army in a year in which they also get to cruise against UConn, Cincy and USF? When you have built-in cupcakes, there’s really no need to load up on more.
Here’s something that bothers me about Buffalo. Apparently they insist on being called The University at Buffalo. Is this one of those annoying tics like THE Ohio State University? Because if it is, fuck that noise.
I’m going out on a limb here – I think Rutgers will win three of the four cupcake games, and stumble badly in the fourth. Congratulations, Army! Go Black Knights!
REACH OF THE WEEK:
This award goes to the most pathetic scheduling from a genuine BCS hopeful. This week, that means the travesty of the Murray State Racers driving the back roads in order to get their asses royally kicked by Louisville. Can’t we all agree to let Loovul just snail mail the check to Murray, Kentucky and have the Racers forfeit? I mean, wouldn’t that be better than causing anyone to actually have to watch, hear about, or play in the actual game?
Confession time: I once interviewed for a job at Murray State University. I had to fly via puddle-jumper into Paducah, Kentucky, where a University official picked me up and drove me all the way down to Murray. That’s how close even the smallest airports come to Murray State. Added to that, the Uni is located in a dry county, or at least it was when I was there. A team this bad should at least be allowed to drink, for cryin’ out loud.
Murray State is rated the seventh-best team in the Ohio Valley Conference. Seventh Best, ranked ahead of only Samford, Missouri State, and Austin Peay. They have lost fifteen straight in the OVC of Division 1-AA. This game is a travesty, and once again the travesty is being perpetrated by a Big East pretender. Are we supposed to kiss Louisville’s ass if they go undefeated this year? After playing these guys, and Dave Wannstedt? I say again, if you play in a conference that is seen as weak, you have to make some noise out of conference. The only noise this game is going to make is one of epic flatulence.
Murray State at Louisville, you are the Reach of the Weak Week!
Coming up next Wednesday, we’ll look at some of the cupcakes being chomped in the first full Saturday of college gridiron. Is it better to be an E., or a W.? Does this hyphen make us look fat? If I FIU, will you FI-me?
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The Cupcake Report is prepared by Extra P., who trots out the Porn Name All-Stars all season long at his own blog, and runs the college traditions site College Rule Notebook.
[...] Cupcake Report: Football in August [...]
How many words is this?
Definitely enough to get your point across.
I disagree with jamming Lewisville vs Murray State. If a BE team plays another team, that other team is shit-hot ergo, Murray State is at a minimum a top 30 team
It may be 4,000. I got carried away. I’m sure I’ll calm down when the sheer deathless grind of catalogueing cupcakes destroys my spirit. Around September 9th, in other words.
Wow, I can’t wait for more of these posts — like I can’t wait for my first colonoscopy. But wait – the similarities between your post and my colon don’t stop there. Aside form being full of shit it’s also highly cancerous and in need of cleansing. But that’s not my point, the ‘Beaves beat So. Cal last year, finished third in the PAC 10 and in the Top 25 — dick hole. I’ve seen them play and they’re solid by any standards. Not going to win a BCS Bowl or anything but I wouldn’t want to play them week 1. And its not that we don’t care you applied for a job at – what was it, Murray State? It’s just that …. we don’t care. And aside form that fact that cupcake games are to college football’s opening week what the clap is to banging sorority girls – a given, your choices are perplexing. I mean, who’s the favorite again in Buffalo v. Rutgers and Weber v. Boise? Who’s the cupcake? Is the universe endless? Is Trev Alberts the Shock G to Erin Andrews’ Humpty Hump? Who knows and who cares. She has a rack and likes sports, Trev is an Oouche and … and … she has a rack. To see real cupcake games, you need not look any further than the Master Blaster to the SEC’s Mad Max – the Big 10. Look at who Michigan, OSU and MSU line up against the first game. I’ll give you a hint – it goes Appalachian St., Youngstown St. and UAB. No offense to the Vols, but starting your team out with a non-cupcake is retarded. Why risk ruining your season after only one game – it happened to Cal last year after getting bull fucked by Bobby Mechum. You wanna see cupcake – look at the Gators’ opening game — against mighty the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers. I don’t know what a Hilltopper is or the U is located – but you should apply for a job there – they probably have hotter “bi-sexual chicks” than Weber does.
Seems like the colonoscopy was warranted, because you are clearly in need of more fiber.
[...] week, I looked at the earliest games on the schedule. A handful of cupcake matchups fall on the final Thursday of this month, so we got those out of the [...]