It’s Wednesday, so this must be the Cupcake Report.

Last week, I looked at the earliest games on the schedule. A handful of cupcake matchups fall on the final Thursday of this month, so we got those out of the way early. Now we head for September 1st, in which cupcake season gets underway in earnest. I can only do a few of the eighteen Sept 1 matchups per week, so if I haven’t gotten to your favorite yet, hold tight.

This week we look at the old chestnut “East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet”. Which is pretty much true, because how can east and west meet if one is scheduled at an SEC powerhouse and the other is being tromped in the ACC? It can’t be done.

Today we’ll bisect the state of North Carolina, and the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Western Michigan slides in all alone this week.

Western Carolina @ Alabama:

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? Florida played the Catamounts last year and beat them 62-0 on the way to a national title (fictional). By god, Nick Saban’s a genius! Look out, 1-AA! Best fact – WCU is located in Cullowhee, NC, and is part of the overall UNC system.

Western Carolina also got shut out by Liberty Bible College in-conference last year. In fact, they lost all of their conference games last year in the Southern. Should be quite a challenge. Try not to fall asleep and get your mullet in the cheese dip.

East Carolina @ Virginia Tech:

Also a member of the UNC system, this school is known as East Carolina, not Eastern. The Pirates are looking to turd-burgle a win from Big East ACC foe Virginia Polytechnic Insitute in the early going.

If you look back at the rules of my little game, you’ll see that this schedule doesn’t earn true scorn from me. Virginia Tech is going to LSU for their next game, so they’ll need at least one game of leeway for suspended players and the slightly injured to sit out before the big test in Cajun Country. Additionally, ECU is at least Division 1-A (take that subdivision stuff and stick it).

This should be a great opportunity for the inspirational maroon and orange to romp before a true test. Danger, goosebumps ahead when the Hokies take the field for the first time since the terrible shootings on their campus.

Eastern Kentucky @ Kentucky:

Fans of the blue & white are hoping for big things from the Wildcats this year. They’ll have a tough row to hoe as usual, facing Herban, Fulmer, and the ol’ Ballsack Coach in the East division. They bring in Louisville for the in-state rivalry as well, so they can probably use this slight break before the long haul.

The Eastern Kentucky Colonels (the logo and nickname whip all kinds of ass over “Wildcats”, at least) had a winning record in conference and overall in the 1-AA OVC last year, so I guess they’re semi-worthy. They don’t seem to be very excited about football season, however. Their main athletics page features distance running and women’s volleyball and soccer. Nary a mention of the impending in-state gridiron clash. I’m guessing their fans don’t “travel well”.

Western Michigan @ West Virginia:

Hold on there, Jimmy. This is not a bi-directional matchup. This is not actually the University of Western Virginia, there’s a whole other state! Look it up.

Western Michigan’s Broncos play in the MAC, and coach Bill Cubit just got a raise for going 8-4 last year. The quarterback is… hey, look, it’s Ryan Cubit! Nepotism is alive and well.

If WVU goes undefeated this year, I would put them in the… Alamo Bowl. Louisville coming to Morgantown looks like the toughest test they have, and that just doesn’t impress me.

Western Kentucky @ Florida:

Yes, Florida and Herban do have some tough games coming up. But let’s be honest with each other, shall we? This game is not about playing the WKU Hilltoppers. It’s about beating up on Ohio State all over again. Bear with me, I think I have something here.

Look at the photo to the right. If you squint and tilt your head, doesn’t it kind of look like the Buckeyes are back? I mean, no sweater vest, that’s for sure, but still. That red shirt is like visual crack for a Gator. Even if they’re stoned to the bejesus-belt on primo Construda, they are going to wake the fuck up and realize that this is football season. So look out, SEC. The Hilltoppers are opening the gates of hell.

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Link: Sportable.com asks a vital question: What is your favorite college football uni? They nominate Penn State, LSU, Notre Dame, Florida, and Texas.

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The Cupcake Report is prepared by Extra P., who trots out the Porn Name All-Stars all season long at his own blog, and runs the college traditions site College Rule Notebook.