This week we continue our preseason look at the David vs. Goliath matchups of the upcoming football season. Since everyone who is anyone schedules a cupcake in the first week as a tuneup, I have been slowly but surely working my way through the morass of games scheduled for the first day of September.

Today we’ll look at the schools that are so small and unusual that very few people even have any idea where they are.

Arkansas State @ Texas

Arkansas State offers a degree (and a Masters at that) in University College. No, I don’t know what that means, either. But I’m pretty sure most of us majored in it at some basic level during our days in school. ASU somehow gets away with calling its sports teams the Indians, while William & Mary’s completely innocuous “The Tribe” nickname has been deemed offensive by the NCAA. If you can explain that one to me, I’ll give you a cupcake.

The Indians are from Jonesboro, Arkansas, which is best known for being the site of a school shooting incident in 1998.

Elon @ South Florida

I know, I know – I’m not even supposed to take South Florida this seriously, let alone the Big East as a whole, but they had top-25 votes on the site I used to make the list, so they get their day (or two) in the sun. A few years ago, most of us didn’t even know who the USF Bulls were anyway, but now they are big enough to warrant loading up on some cupcakes of their own.

Elon is a private liberal arts college in Elon, North Carolina. They have one of those singular nicknames, being the Elon Phoenix, which puts them in league with the likes of the Stanford Cardinal and one step ahead of the Ole Miss ______. It’s a sad day for college football when simply having a mascot gives your school an edge.

North Texas @ Oklahoma

Let’s try and not forfeit the entire season this year, Sooners, OK? We shouldn’t be surprised that the Sooners have a difficult time staying on the right side of the law. I mean, they voluntarily named their school sports programs after a historical squatter and land thief.

North Texas is in Denton, TX, and the main thing they have going for them is a kick-ass jazz band. Which ought to scare the dickens out of the OU band, who only know how to blatt “Boomer Sooner” and the main song from the musical “Oklahoma!”. I hope the band geeks don’t get scholarships for that.

Tennessee-Martin @ Southern Mississippi and Idaho @ USC

Southern Miss is going to Tennessee and Boise State this year, so I’m going to mention this game, but otherwise give them a free pass. That is a tough schedule they’ve put together.

Ditto the University of Southern California, who I tabbed for having the toughest schedule this year. They will take out some aggression on Dennis Erickson (El Floppo Grande) and the Idaho Vandals before plunging headlong into a season that includes their regular Pac-10 schedule and trips to Nebraska and Notre Dame. These guys are serious about doing the heavy lifting this year.

Appalachian State University @ Michigan

Appalachian State is the toughest team in the Bowl Championship Sub-Dermal Division, or whatever they’re calling 1-AA this year. No doubt about it, and it will be extremely cool for those players to experience the Big House just once before they die. Which could be that very day. If there is any mercy in Lloyd Carr’s heart, he will play this like an NFL preseason game and rest his starters after a couple of series. I also love their mascot, the crazed mountain man Yosef.

I have to admit, I kind of hope the Mountaineers throw a little scare into the Wolverines. They’re plucky.

It’s gonna be on Television!!!!

We’ll be wrapping this up week one soon, which is a good thing, because that means this all stops being theory and starts being real. Believe me, if any of these frosted desserts pulls the upset, they can expect a full write-up in this space.

See you next week!