Southern Cal is becoming the Alabama of the West. 

Bear:  Where did Reggie Bush and USC go wrong, Logan?  None of my players ever got caught when I was in T-town. 

Logan:  They let someone outside the program give all the goodies to him.  You got to keep in the the family.  The only people that should be giving shit to players are boosters, alumni, and coaches within your program.  That’s why it took us so long to get caught, Coach. 

Bear:  I see, I see.  No one ever got on my ass when I was giving O-linemen track scholarships.  And don’t think for a moment those boys were doing the hammer throw or shot put. 

Logan:  You were good, Coach.  The best.  I take that back.  You were the best of the best when it came to bending the rules.  Maybe if you would have stuck around for a few more years after you retired you could have shown us how to do it.  We Bammers didn’t learn as much from you as we should have when you were roaming those sidelines. 

Bear:  Your candor is appreciated.  You boys did learn something from me though- you gotta get ‘em when they’re young.  Don’t wait ’til they reach stardom at your school before you start with the gifts.  You gotta get them in high school, let them know that the program will take care of them.

Logan:  But how would you have handled Reggie Bush?  He won the Heisman, coach.  None of your players ever won that danggum trophy. 

Bear:  Shut your mouth, boy.  We all know that white kid from Greenbow, Gump I think, won that trophy. 

Logan:  Sorry, sir.  That boy always slips my mind.  Back to Reggie, what did USC not do good? 

Bear:  You gotta give them more than they ask for, that way they feel like they owe the program and the school something.  All my players stayed for four years.  Most of them didn’t graduate, but they stayed.  Reggie would have never left the Bammer nation if I was still around.  And you have to feed the cult of personality.  I did that good.  Ol’ Pete Carroll don’t do that.  He tried to act like he’s one of the players.  You can’t do that.  If a kid wants to have a heat stroke then let ‘em.  Its called natural selection, and it frees up a scholarship.  Its a win-win situation. 

Logan:  Coach, if you had any questions about how to side-step the NCAA who did you go to? 

Bear:  One man.  And that man’s name is George Dickle.  Jack Daniels and Jim Beam seemed to always give me bad advice.  That damn Jim Beam is who told me to go to Kentucky.  Little did I know at the time but ol’ Jim is from Kentucky.  USC did do one thing I liked though.

Logan:  What was that coach?

Bear:  Getting Reggie to talk to that Joe McKnight kid.  Pete Carroll was playing mind games with his old buddy Ed Orgeron just like how I used to do with Johnny Vaught.  Pete had Crazy Ed thinking he was going to land a big time recruit for a minute or two. Now don’t get me wrong, I liked John Vaught.  But his initials were appropriate because he was junior varsity when it came to lyin’ and cheatin’.  During our off season hunting trips at the deer camp I tried to teach him how to do it, but he was always just whistling Dixie, never payin’ me no attention.  I like what Pete Carroll did with Reggie Bush though.  I wish I would have had The Snake or Broadway Joe or even Gump call up a few recruits for me.  I bet those two kids Bo and Pat would have never gone down the road to the Barn if I’d done that. 

Logan:  All water under the bridge now coach.  What you think about your newest replacement?  How well does Saban fit into Alabama?

Bear:  We all know he’s got the lyin’ part down, just ask those bastard Dolphin fans.  And the cheatin’ is coming along, too.  I think he may be on to something with this text book thing.  People is sayin’, “they ain’t gettin’ cars or nothin’, what’s the big deal?”  Text books are expensive, Logan.  I wish I would have thought of that, but I know why I didn’t. 

Logan:  Why’s that, coach?

Bear:  ‘Cause my players didn’t need no books ’cause they never had to go to any classes. 

Logan:  That’s good, coach.  Always thinking outside the box when it come to those silly rules and regulations.  The Bammer nation misses you.