Continuing the trend towards becoming the worst college football fans in the country, a segment of followers of the Tennessee Volunteers are now experiencing Undeserved Championship Guilt Syndrome (UCGS) even as the Big Orange sits on the cusp of a date with LSU in the Georgia Dome.
UCGS is often characterized by an underlying lack of self esteem. Most patients are born with a natural inclination to think that others are more worthy of success. For example, Tennessee blew Georgia away, who blew Florida away, who blew Tennessee away. Most healthy-minded people would see this as a circular concept. A three way tie, if you will. Not Tennessee fans. They cannot seem to fathom the concept of parody. Instead they exhibit an “all or nothing” mindset. SEC Championships are not enough. To the UCGS sufferer, victory consists of burning each SEC stadium to the ground whilst raping and pillaging the villages along the road to Atlanta. Anything less will not be tolerated.
The mindset is “not only do we NOT deserve to win the East, but I want to lose every game from here on out”. Tennessee fans have a natural desire to have a program on the upswing, as do all college football fans. However, only the Vol fanbase (stricken with UCGS) wants to completely hit rock bottom, so that no matter what happens next year, it will feel like an improvement.
UCGS sufferers are obsessed with personnel turnover. They MUST see the freshman on the field. They MUST have a new coach. At the very least, the MUST clean house and replace the coordinators. UCGS patients always have a list ten deep of replacement head coaches and coordinators. In my practice, I have noticed that nearly all of these candidates share common traits. They are as follows:
1) Youthful Exhuberance – Displayed in coaches like John Gruden and Trooper Taylor. UCGS patience often discriminate against experience simply because they MUST have something new and fresh. It is all about rebirth to the UCGS mind.
2) Handsomeness – My UCGS clients often display symptoms of repressed man-lust. Not only a desire, but a burning need to feel attracted on some level to their leader. John Gruden pinups are a hot seller amongst UCGS followers. This is contradictory seeing that Gruden’s snoozer of an offense does not fit the video game mentality often displayed by my patients.
3) Fiery Demeanor – UCGS clients need a coach who displays an out-of-control borderline insanity on the sidelines. Tennessee fans with the affliction wish bodily harm on Phillip Fulmer for his cool sideline presense. Clapping and encouragement often send UCGS sufferers into convulsions.
UCGS sufferers often live vicariously through their team. If the team is a loser, then the patient feels like a loser. And losers act like fucking idiots. This current rash of UCGS outbreaks is strange in that it comes as the team in question has a legitimate chance to win their division. More studies will need to conducted to determine if this is indeed a new type of UCGS.
Vols won’t make it to ATL…
The KY Cats will put a lube job on them and stretch that UT balloon knot to epic proportions…
That made me laugh. Any sentence with “balloon knot” is guaranteed to get a cheap chuckle.
I don’t understand what it takes for each of the 6 teams left in the SEC east race to win, but I think Tennessee falling to Arkansas on Saturday will probably take Tennessee out of the driver’s seat.
He stole the “balloon knot” from Jai. Give him credit Gator Dick
Tennessee will be riding in the Fail Truck saturday
Ears…
Just focus on your team doin’ the Gators a favor this weekend…
I guess the rest of the free world also “stole” the phrase “ballon knot” from Jai as well…
Damn, Jai…
You are one hell of a gay jargonist…
So says Ears…
Gracias my Gated Friend
Your welcome…
Unfortunately, the Vols will still get lubed by the KY JellyCats
One week at time. Herban has dead creepy eyes
Doesn’t UT still have to play Arky, KY and Vandy? While I admire Lloyd’s confidence, as crazy as this season has been, none of those 3 games look like “gimmies”.
Sorry, Jai…
I forgot you guys had to face the HawgNutts this week…
I guess the Gator will get their favor a week earlier than expected…
Vandy looks like it
And Fulmer looks like the neighborhood diddler that dresses up like Santa and sits on his porch inviting the unsuspecting kiddies to sit on his lap every Yule season…
What’s your point?
Herban looks like an actual creepy child molester.
As does Fulmer…
Shall we post a picture of John Wayne Gacy and compare?
Who has a hotter wife? Herban or Fatass? Take a wild guess …..
You calling Tebow a woman? While he is a pussy, and a cryer, I think he is a male. Maybe.
I guess the sress of leading the East was more than you could handle… That’s ok, we’ll take it from here, chief.
Fulmer doesn’t look like a child molester. He looks like that middle aged man at the local sports bar, sitting on the same stool that he always does, downing Pabst Blue Ribbon because it reminds him of his high school “glory years”. He was the big man on campus because he played football , but he wasn’t good enough to get recruited by the big boys, so he was forced to be a walk on at Valdosta State. Fast forward 25 years, and he sells copiers B2B, because the associate’s degree that he did get from Talladega Tech after flunking out would only qualify him to do that or be the 3rd key manager at Apple-bee’s. So he sits there, because his daughter wants to play college football and is a better linebacker than he ever was and his son wants to be the next “American Idol”, and quite frankly, could be the next Clay Aiken…in more ways than one…
Now Trooper Taylor, HE looks like the R. Kelly type of child molester…
this whole fb staff is a piece of shit. its time to clean house once and for all. if you wanna get blown out by your two biggest rivals go be an ole miss fan. former is making $240 every fuking hour of every fuking day. sorry, thats just bullshit for the product we are getting.
Joel – that was brilliant. Well done.