Tebow is God December 21, 2007
Posted by Jai Eugene in 890 SAT, SEC Football, Tim Tebow.trackback
Earlier this month we uncovered a pagan Religion that is capturing imagination of the Drive-by Left-Wing Sports Media.
We discussed this religion with a longtime Florida Gator Fan who chose to remain unknown for fear of religious persecution. Here is the Q & A:
Why do you worship Tebow as a God?
Because Tebow is the closest thing to a God that a Gator can know and understand. We worship Tebow, and we can prove that not only does Tebow exist, but unlike any other god, it exists as we know it.
If Tebow is God, who is Satan?
Good question, but the answer should be obvious. Satan is quite simply any running back that depletes Tebow’s carries per game and ultimately his number of TDs in a season. Last year’s Satan was Chris Leak. He was a waif.
Who founded this religion?
Herbanism and the Church of Tebow were founded by Gary Danielson. Gary is a Color Analyst for CBS Sports. For privacy protection purposes, no other personal information will be disclosed about him.
What is the purpose of Herbanism?
The main purpose of Herbanism is to promote the spread of Florida Football through the use of Tebow. There is nothing on earth that connects Gators with the knowledge they desire so fast and effectively than Tebow. We believe in the cliché “knowledge is power”, and so should you.
Does Tebow perform miracles?
Why, yes She does.
Tim Tebow uses his magical fire breath to destroy opponents and then carries Herban Meyer away in his muscular arms. Or, listen to the analysis of how Tim prevents turnovers: “Wow, Verne, did you see that pass? He saw that the defender was in a perfect position to make the interception, so that’s why he overthrew his receiver, to make sure that if the Gators didn’t make that catch, then the defense sure wouldn’t either!”
There are other coaches using similar techniques as Tebow, are they Gods as well?
The short answer is yes, but to a lesser degree. Tebow is the best at what She does and therefore the most powerful of the Gods. Do not mistake a demon such as Auburn’s Brandon Cox or UGA’s Matt Stafford for a God. Demons sometimes disguise themselves as the Under Armour “Click Clack” or in Stafford’s case as an over exuberant end zone celebration.
I always thought Tebow was a male?
Sorry dude, Tebow does not have a penis, or a vagina for that matter. Originally, religions of the past thought of Gods as feminine. It wasn’t until monotheistic, Abrahamic religions such as Christianity, Islam and Judaism entered the picture that the concept of “God” became masculine. Basically you have been conditioned by your culture to view all Deities as male. The Church of Tebow is simply carrying on the ancient tradition of viewing Gods as feminine. It’s not about us being reverse sexist toward men or anything. It’s just about breaking a cultural taboo. Breaking taboo is the Gator Way
What is the Tebow Trinity?
The Tebow Trinity consists of the Herban Meyer, CBS and Nike’s Tony Joiner’s lips. Alone they are nothing, but combined they form a powerful entity.
Is there a Tebow afterlife?
By uploading our thoughts and opinions onto Florida Football Message Boards, we live on in Tebow’s cache even after our death.
What is the history of Herbanism?
The tale of the Church of Tebow is an inspirational story that will move every fiber of your being. The shocking tale can be read in its entirety only after it is written.
Herbanism sounds GREAT! How do I spread the word?
In short, the best way to promote our Church is to pray to Tebow (outsiders know this as “to search” for “to The Bow”) for blogs or websites you think would be interested in and post about our snazzy new religion. If you’re a member of an online community (discussion board or forum) you might want to put a link to us in your signature or start a topic asking “Is Tebow God?”.
I’m VERY interested in becoming a Herbanism Minister. Where do I apply?
Click on the comments link of this page. Basically, you’ll need to prove yourself before being ordained. Remember that becoming a minister will never require you to “donate” money. If you chose to donate money, you’ll do it for the right reasons.
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Interesting Heisman tidbit…
Spurrier’s father was a minister, Wuerffel’s father is a retired USAF chaplain, and Tebow’s parents are missionaries.
Too bad God is a mormon BYU fan and they’re all going to hell.
Man, this is hilarious.
For those of you (and there’s a LOT of you) who said before the season that “Tebow can’t pass / Tebow is just a glorified Fullback”, keep in mind that his 177.85 passing efficiency rating is the best All-Time among Heisman Winners. The next closest Heisman QB Winner isn’t within 15 points of him.
Best thing about Herbanism and the Church of Tebow?
You get to smoke weed, tote guns, steal cars and beat folks with sammiches…
Perpetuating the faith is the most important thing. Now that all who come to this board know the truth, to deny it will bring devastating consequences. For example, Eeyore’s equating Tebow with Kendra brought about RR leaving for Mish-e-gan. Tebow is presently deciding whether to further punish WVU by placing Terry Bowden in their path.
I can neither confirm nor deny that Tressel had a conversion experience after the Illinois game which is why tOSU is in the BCS NC.
Yes, Brian…
To mock Tebow is to incur his wrath…
Just look at Geno”Taze” Haye’s one tackle performance against the Church…
My favorite “Hayes” is Michael P.S. Hayes.
[...] is a new religion gaining momentum in Florida. (Losers With [...]
@1 Preachers kids are the worst. Thanks for sharing
The Church of Crompton will soon open in Knoxville. Only one game left in the Erik Ainge era.
Jai they may be the worst…
But apparently pretty good at football…
Especially the one’s that play at UF…
Tis the season for sharing.
Preacher’s daughters always turn out to be skanks. I wonder if Tebow has a sister.
@4
What is with the ’sammiches’ thing you Gates keep talking about? I noticed that a while back on the gaytorbait forum. Is in an inside thing?
@13
It’s in reference to Gator DE Jermaine Cunningham handing his sandwich over to…. errr… ummm…. I mean throwing his sandwich at a Jimmy Johns employee a couple of weeks ago.
LL,
Actually the charges against Cunningham were dropped, because the employee stated that he was never in the store when the altercation began. That still doesn’t excuse him from being out a 2am and breaking curfew. Just thought I’d clear that up.
[...] Jan. 1, 1 p.m. Michigan (8-4) vs. Florida (9-3) Tim Tebow might have won the Heisman, he might even be a god, but the Wolverines are not impressed. Michigan bruises and batters the Gators QB, throttling UF [...]
Yes…
The dropped charges on Cunningham and Joiner are yet another example of the powerful divinity of the Church…
Sometimes a higher power takes over…
Sell your stock in EA sports.
Nice touch with the former Gator QB’s in jorts. I almost didn’t notice…
thanks Joel. I really feel like one of those artists that hide bears in the woods
Yes, jorts are the scared garb of only those so chosen to deliver their entire life to the Church…
Think of those wearing jorts as similiar to nuns & preists in Catholicism…
Without the diddling…
Diddling is a musty
Maybe in Tennesee after your sister has gotten out of the shower…
But certainly not in the Church…
A bunch of Mormons playing in a bowl game in Las Vegas. LOL
So would this make Dan Mullen the faithful sidekick??? If he dyed his hair pink he and Meyer could be like Paul and Jan Crouch, hosting telethons for all the believers to donate money in the name of Tebow…
Wait a minute, that sounds almost Bammerish. Maybe not…
[...] Tebow is God from Loserswithsocks [...]
I don’t think it’s fair that Tebow is a pagan hermaphrodite, and he wins the Heisman. Less package = less wind resistance = faster and quicker desicion making. That’s why Longshore was doing so well for awhile until his balls descended midway through the season.
On the contrary MS Abarclay12, Powerful young Longshore’s sac ascended
“Best thing about Herbanism and the Church of Tebow?
You get to smoke weed, tote guns, steal cars and beat folks with sammiches…”
You left out french kissing on the sidelines and crying and if that does not work out comitt suicide in your car in Daytona Beach.
Oh and sammiches is a way of making light of idiots beating the hell out of deli workers.
One thing about it when Joiner finally goes up in smoke, they most all do you know, he can go to work for dog the bounty hunter;
Well no sense in all of us being so quarelsome, time for some levity. I take it all of you have not seen this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrrtVDNqxxw
“You left out french kissing on the sidelines and crying and if that does not work out comitt suicide in your car in Daytona Beach”…
I guess all that is better than beating, raping and leaving a woman for dead on campus…
As is apparently backed by the CFB deity immortalized in stained glass on the side of the Tally Temple…
Right, Nole?
Hella good video
You’re a real piece of shit for bringing Avery Atkins’ death into this, SeminoleUprising.
But then again, I’m not surprised.
I agree LL. Typical, classless FSU…like they’re squeeky clean