5 Things as Badass as Bruce Pearl
In the wake of the Tennessee win streak and the deluge of media attention directed towards the man, the myth, the legend, LWS decided to catalogue 5 things which are as badass as Coach Bruce Pearl, just in case some of you needed a point of reference.
(5) Jesse Ventura’s Minigun
In the Oscar-winning epic Predator, Jesse Ventura (Best Supporting Actor Nominee) plays Blain, a fairly large soldier who descends into the Colombian jungle with his crack team of military elite. As with any military squad, you have stereotypes who play certain roles (the Native American is the “tracker”, complete with magic dust pouch, the nerd in the terrible glasses is the “linguist”, the other nerd is the explosives expert, then there’s the crazy bald black guy). But no one approaches their role like Blain and his gun, which he named Ol’ Painless.
To fully understand the badassitude of Blain’s weapon selection, some context is necessary. This military operation, led by Dutch (Oscar winner), involves helicopter drops, stealth ops, and long hikes through thick jungle terrain. Each man is faced with outfitting themselves accordingly. Most would choose light gear, maybe bug spray, some extra water even. But not Blain. Blain only needs three items: chewing tobacco, a Crocodile Dundee hat, and a 200 lb. M134 Minigun.
Nothing says stealth like a minigun, complete with 1000 rounds and a battery for its motor all slung on your back. Nothing says trekking through dense jungle, swimming across ponds, and rappelling down ravines like Ol’ Painless. But in the end, I’m glad Blain decides to carry it. Because we all see what happens when crazy black guy decides to go UF on that ass.
(4) This guy
This guy might just be the biggest badass in the world. Nothing says “tough” like “morbidly obese”. This guy is such a badass that he has no qualms demonstrating to SEC nation that he is, in fact, markedly overweight, all while giving tribute to Bama with “body art”.
The only problem I foresee with his badassery rating is his natural propensity to continue to get fatter. After all, what will that body art look like when stretched to mind-blowing proportions as this guy revisits the Barnhill’s Buffet time and time again? Over the years, the Bear himself might become so distorted by this man’s clinical obesity that he may lose that signature cool look, leaning against the goalpost, and instead begin to resemble John Candy in the heartwarming classic Canadian Bacon.
One thing is for sure though, and that is that at this precise moment, Nathan Davis is a badass. From his shaved head to his knickers to his yankee accent to his “Rammer Lammer” tattoos (yes, it does spell Rammer Lammer), he screams Bama. And Bama is t-u-f-f tuff.
(3) Techno Viking
Seriously, is anybody a bigger badass than the Techno Viking? I think that one would be hard pressed to find such a man. Techno Viking obviously lives somewhere in Europe where trance is blared into the streets daily and X is handed out to the citizens like birth control in China. Actually, this may just be the University of Miami.
(2) The Bayside Brawl aka The Most Intense Fight in History
When you have two of the biggest badasses of all time dueling it out, the badassometer goes off the charts. Most can’t comprehend such badassishness. I personally begin to have seizures when thinking about this rumble, and I am therefore limited in how well I can describe it. I rely on a Bayside Historian to more aptly fill in the details.
As you can see, it is probably the most badass thing ever. Watch only if you have the stones.
(1) Bruce Pearl
No one is a bigger badass than Bruce Pearl. That is a fact that has been proven in a lab filled with Asians at M.I.T. We have all be inundated with the man the last few weeks, so I’ll spare you the high-arching prose. I’ll let the numbers do the talking:
In 16 seasons coaching college basketball, Pearl is 388-105 (.787).
Pearl’s winning percentage is ranked 3rd best among active coaches.
Pearl is the 2nd fastest coach in history to reach 300 career victories and is only 47 years old.
Pearl has 6 consecutive 20 win seasons and only 1 season in his 16 year career with less than 20 wins.
Pearl is about to lead UT to its first unshared SEC Title in 41 years.
Pearl is 71-21 in his first 4 years at UT.
Pearl is 15-6 against ranked opponents while at UT.
Pearl is 33-13 against conference opponents while at UT.
Pearl does not have a losing record against any coach in the SEC (aside from Coach Leaving Las Vegas’ 1 win in Lexington – and that ends Sunday).
Most importantly, Pearl is just now starting to recruit with the big boys.
So the lesson is this – if you diss Pearl you diss yourself, and you try and step to him he will break you off faster then Dozier smacks a ho.
Vote here
I am in that fucking list somewhere. I owneth thy internet.
Complete tomfoolery story, I feel dumber for having read it. Will you ever find a better structure than top 5? You are the same Top 5 writer, aren’t you?
Which question do you want me to answer first?
I’m here to help.
Who the fuck are you?
this is the funniest shite i have ever read…
What the fuck are you gonna do when Vandy spanks that ass????
Oh, i submiotted this to Deadspin and Sports Illustrated..cause I hate fat Bama d-bags
Nothing is more badass than techno viking.
Nothing is more badass than a Vanderbilt Commodore…Well there is one thing….
Country Roads
Bruce Pearl is a sad sack of loser shit. Can’t keep it together for even one game. Tennessee # 1?. What a load of Orange tainted Smokey dogshit.
Bruce is a bad ass, regardless of what happened tonight.
Bruce bad ass? What simple minded shit. That loud mouth jerk needs to be selling carpets at Levitz.
I hate Tennesse as much as anyone with a full set of teeth and not a product of cousin on cousin lovin’. But Pearl is all kinds of awesome. I’ll be so happy when he is at Indiana.
Bruce Pearl is so awesome that he takes his team to # 1 for all of 36 hours. Given his sleazy exhibition last night, nobody has to diss that asshole, he does it all by himself.
In case anyone was wondering how last night’s loss affected BP’s badass rating, here is the real time number.
BP rating – 875.56
Down 0.54 from Sunday.
Vandy sux.
Tennessee got out douched
After Kentucky finds a way to win out the rest of the regular season, it looks like BP will be sharing the SEC regular season title with good ol’ Billy Clyde up at UK. It’s amazing how the Cats can have their worst season in 18 years and still be in contention for the SEC title.
You can add Shan Foster to that list…
Where was Shan in Knoxville? Getting owned.
We lost a road game to a solid team after beating Memphica on the road, I’m not disappointed.
You will find us on the top of your bracket this year, I hope it angers you to suicide.
@21 Where was Chism in Nashville? GETTING OWNED. Where was Pearl in Nashville? POSING FOR ESPN.
LWSatan:
You gonna get past the Sweet 16 this time?
@17 Is 875.56 the number of times Badass BP has looked at the video of himself stroking up Erin Andrews?
No it’s the number of co-eds he’s boned since filing for divorce.
Bruce Pearl is scum. He tried to destroy a young man named Deon Thomas because Thomas chose another school over Iowa when Pearl was an assistant coach and recruiter for the Hawkeyes.
You can read all about it here.
He’s a snake. If all you care about is W-L records, go ahead and enjoy him. Go get Kelvin Sampson, Bob Huggins, and Todd Bozeman for your staff. Most college basketball fans prefer a coach who has character.
Losing by 20 is getting owned.
Losing by 3 in a foul fest is not that bad.
@29 Losing is losing.
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