Lord Nick Saban just wrapped up his press conference at the always entertaining SEC Media Days by announcing that the Alabama Crimson Tide will not be sporting their traditional crimson jerseys when the Auburn Tigers visit the Capstone on November 29th.

“I feel a change needed to be made to give a more accurate representation of who we are. Just look at our fans, they fucking go insane for houndstooth. They deserve for us to reflect the same taste in style that they choose on Saturdays at football games, every December in Shreveport, and every day when standing in lines at the methadone clinics,” Saban said.

“Lets be honest. Those goat fuckers from East Alabama have handed our ass to us the last 6 years. Obviously the crimson and white isn’t cutting it. We need a reminder of Bama’s epitome to encourage and motivate our players and fans out there on the field against the turd knockers. I expect Bryant-Denny-Tuberville Stadium to be rocking come November 29th. I have be talking to Mal about the possibility of a ‘Houndstooth-out’ for that critical game” said Saban.

In another subtle change, the Nike Swoosh logo has been replaced by the MasterCard logo. “Since Brother Logan went to be with Bear, it has been his Red Elephant Club brethren donating to the recruiting fund via MasterCard that has been the biggest contributor to our success. Without MasterCard, we wouldn’t have been able to win the coveted recruiting national championship. We must pay homage to their services. When we actually do something relevant on the field wearing Nike, we may add the swoosh back. But for now, it is all MasterCard. Nike still has the cleats. No way in hell we were going to emulate the Barn and wear the click-clack.

“The SEC logo had to go too. ALABAMA BUILT THIS FUCKING CONFERENCE. Every other SEC school should be wearing a script A on their jerseys instead of the SEC logo. Its really just a matter of time until it happens,” said Saban.

Class and tradition, RTR

Even though he was not originally scheduled to appear at SEC Media Days, Sarah Jessica John Parker Wilson made the short drive from Hoover High School, where he was macking on 17 year olds, to debut the jersey to the public. He is from Hoover, so you KNOW he’s a star. There wouldn’t have been that show on MTV if that wasn’t the case. Parker had to wear a matching houndstooth hat to contain his Bama Bangs from covering parts of the new jersey.

“We expect sales to be off the charts on this elegant piece of fashion, possibly even enough for the university to completely replenish the player’s legal fund,” Saban concluded. The jersey will be sold at the price of $59.95 (or one month’s wage for the average Alabama alumnus) and will begin arriving at Bama Fevers across the state by the middle of August.

After hearing the news, Bear Bryant released this statement from the grave, “I did not wear houndstooth, it was plaid. In less than 25 years you have warped my plaid into houndstooth because why? It is more trendy? I ought to come back and kick all your asses. And Saban, you will never even accomplish what my taint did at that university. I wore fucking plaid, just ask Wimp Sanderson.”