Received this via email.  The sender knows that I think that the writer is about as funny as Paul Harvey or Andy Rooney. The author has really convinced himself that he  is on a higher plane of thinking. It is like he is saying: “Come with me, this bottle of Wild Turkey and this jar of Vaseline to a land of intellectual superiority.”

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they allow disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children now are tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”

Socrates

THE “TEENING” OF TICK’S PICKS

It was a dark and stormy night.

Suddenly, the oak-paneled offices of Tick Enterprises rang out…

On one side of the long conference table was Tick himself. Consternation was written on his face (although in small letters with a Sharpie). Oiling his way to the other side of the table was a man with a receding hairline, cheesy pencil-thin mustache, checkered sports coat and lime-green polyester slacks.

“How do you do this evening, Mr. Tick?” the man said in an high speed, squeaky voice. “My name is Mr. Ting. Mark. A. Ting, if you please.”

“Glad to meet you, Mr. Ting. What can I do for you?”

“no..No…NO! Mr. Tick! It is what I can do for you, BAYBEE! I’m a marketing expert! And…I notice…the ratings for ‘Tick’s Picks’ have been…shall we say…a little low?”

“Well, last week’s numbers were not great, but it was…”

“A disaster. A DISASTER. Titanic, baybee! We did stats! The audience is roughly the same age as those that use Geritol and Depends! You’ve got to reach that younger demographic! You’ve got to connect with the youth of America! And…I’m the one to help you do it!!!!!”

Tick pulled out a pad and began to scribble on it. “What ideas do you have, Mr. Ting?”

“I’m glad you asked! First of all…the quote at the beginning….LOSE IT!”

“But, the quote is a tradition…”Tick began, but he was cut off.

“Traditions… the kids today don’t care for traditions! All they care about is ENTERTAINMENT! They see the quote…BOOM! Instant boredom! They might as well be watching Masterpiece Theatre…and none of these kids have watched PBS since they quit watching ‘Sesame Street’!”

“Which was about 5 minutes ago,” Tick said to himself.

“What was that, Mr. Tick?”

“Nothing. Ditch the quote.” Tick said, scratching something on his pad. “Next?”

“Well, this is an attempt to reach the market of today! You’ve got to use the word “sick”…it is the new cool! Everyone uses it! Like “that car is sick” and “that girl is sick”…sick! Sick! SICK!!! In fact, you should rename the board “Sick’s Picks!!!!”

“Sick…yup…it sure is…”

“Next,” said Mr. Ting, “You’ve got to fark, baybee…fark, Fark, FARK! Photo manips…pictures of Phil Fulmer with Nick Saban coming out of his rear like turd! It’s funny…FUNNNY! Kids can relate!”

“Farks…OK…next?”

“Next…I’ve read the picks…you use…uh….big words…”

‘The benefit of education, I’d say…”

“no…No…NOOOO! Mr. Tick! These kids were reared in an electronic world! They don’t READ anymore! You’ve got to use short hand…textspeak…use shorthand, like “ur” and “bff” and stuff like that! The kids will connect!!!! Do it!!!!!”

“Ur of the Chaldees…” Tick muttered under his breath as he wrote.

“What was that, baybee?”

“Nothing…textspeak. Next.”

“Next….you’ve got to be hip. Happening with it, baybee! Here…” Mr. Ting waked over to the computer on the table, punched up a site on the internet and turned the screen to Tick.

“The Urban Dictionary?! Are you serious?”

“Like a toothache, babyee! Look, I know…most of these kids are whiter than Wonder Bread…but they listen to rap…you’ve got to use words, like “bling bling” and “tay tay” and “rediculous…”

“What about ‘ca ca’ and ‘wee wee’..”

“What was that, Mr. Tick?”

“Nothing…Urban Dictionary…OK, next?”

Mr. Ting pulled himself up in his chair. “Finally…you’re too polite…too nice….you’ve got to be rude and crude, dude! You’ve got to drop F-bombs….cuss every other breath! You’ve got to use works like “douchebag” and M-F and be insulting. You’ve got to measure that e-penis, Mr. Tick!!!! Most of these kids were children of the 90s…they’ve been spoiled…indulged…they have had their whole life with their self-esteems being pumped up like a blow up doll! They’re obnoxious, irritating, Ritalin junkies….You’ve gotta connect, baybee!!!!”

“But, this is a family show…” Tick began, but he was cut off.

“Family? Please….my third grader uses worse language than that…foul…Foul…FOUL!!!!!! That’s what you’ve got to be, BAYBEE!”

“Is all of this necessary?”

“Baybee…it’s a new world! You’ve gotta join it!!!!”

WHAT WILL IT BE? WILL TICK CAVE IN? WILL THE NEXT TICK’S PICKS BE CRUDER THAN A RAP CONCERT? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF TI…ER..SICK’S PICKS!!!!!!

SEC:

Northern Illinois at Team Heck: Considering the psychological situation with Team Heck, this has all the “trappings” for an upset. But… 24-17 Team Heck

Kentucky at #2 Alabama: Have you ever seen what happens to a kittykat when a mean ol’ elephant steps on it? 38-13 Crimson Tide

#12 Florida at Arkansas: Tim Tebow (the flawed quarterback once known as Mr. Wonderful) and his team head for the Ozarks for a wild boar hunt. Too bad the Hawgs are too bad to put up much of a fight. 28-10 Gators

#13 Auburn at #19 Vanderbilt: War Tiggers offensive woes continue, but their D will slow the Commodores…just enough. 17-14 Tigers

South Carolina at Ole Miss: Is Spurrier merely counting down the days for his retirement. If that is the case… 20-17 Rebels

TOP 25:

#1 Oklahoma at Baylor: Bear baiting is an illegal sport. 38-10 Sooners

#4 Missouri at Nebraska: Huskers may be on the way back, but I don’t think they have enough to contain Mizzou, even in Lincoln. 34-24 Tigers

#5 Texas at Colorado: Buffaloes are improved this year. And this game is in Boulder. But they still have a ways to go. 34-17 Longhorns

#6 Penn State at Purdue: Boilermakers blew their chances at South Bend this weekend. State Pen now rolls into town. 31-21 Nittany Lions

#7 Texas Tech at Kansas State: Wildcats get Tech at home. It won’t do them any good. 42-20 Red Raiders

#8 Brigham Young at Utah State: The Wasatch Wonders just keep on going. Must be all of that salt in the diet. 30-9 Cougars

#23 Oregon at #9 USC: The Ducks will find that their goose is cooked, as USC takes their frustrations out on them. 31-22 Trojans

Pittsburgh at #10 South Florida: Panthers head to Florida for some hunting. They will wind up being the ones mounted to the wall. 27-22 Bulls

#14 Ohio State at #18 Wisconsin: This is where the Buckeyes FINALLY get their NC hopes dashed…on the turf at Camp Randall. 20-18 Badgers

Oregon State at #15 Utah: Can the Beavers take advantage of their stunning upset of the Trojans last week? Not on the road. 28-21 Utes

#15 Kansas at Iowa State: Dorothy’s team won’t let the big, bad Cyclones blow them to Oz. 30-13 Jayhawks

Louisiana Tech at #17 Boise State: Chalk up another win on the Blue Tundra for the home team. 35-20 Broncos

Western Kentucky at #20 Virginia Tech: Hilltoppers still struggling to make the adjustment to big time football. No celebrations in Bowling Green after this one. 32-7 Hokies

Texas A&M at #21 Oklahoma State: Aggies will be chest-bumped back to College Station. 20-14 Cowboys

Hawaii at #22 Fresno State: Warriors are off to a rough start. Too much poi in the diet. 42-21 Bulldogs

#24 Connecticutt at North Carolina: I would still have to give the advantage to Roy Williams in this game. Tar Heels hoop traditions are…uh…sorry, wrong sport. Still… 24-20 Tar Heels

NEXT WEEK…We go to Athens…and this ain’t the Peloponnesian War.