Real Mountain Mommas and their spawn

Special to LWS by by Patdyeswildturkey

AUBURN VS. ARKANSAS

I wanted to comment on the game between Auburn and Arkansas. In review, I have said that watching the Mississippi State game might have given you stomach ulcers and that watching the Tennessee game was like passing a kidney stone. Well watching the Vanderbilt game was pretty much automatic onset diarrhea, mixed with a little Ebola virus, symptoms included bleeding from the eyes. Well if you watched the Arkansas game what else can you add? Except maybe it was worse than being a man and having a candiru fish swim up your privates which was later removed by cystourethroscopy. Basically it’s the fish that that swims up your pee hole and can only be removed with forecepts. Or for you women, it was like delivering sextuplets in a tub with no drugs. Yes, it was that painful. Here are a few points from the game

1. Tony Franklin – Well I said last week it’s only a matter of time. I though the end of would be near but not that near. Wow, that was fast. But don’t cry for me Argentina, Franklin sang because he gets $300,000 for the next two years plus that sweet Hyundai you saw him driving. I see lots of Judge Judy re-runs in his future. Also, many of you said it was wrong that he was filmed leaving the building. Well that was his choice to leave at the location at that specific time. It was like tying a t-bone neck to your steak in a room full of dogs. He knew he would get followed. How will we remember Tony Franklin? This will be remembered just like Jet gate or Bowden’s dismissal. Most Auburn fans might not agree on the timing, but I think we all agree on it was going to happen. Maybe all things will now be remembered as 2009 A.T.F., after Tony Franklin. Did any of you see any of the titles to Tony’s Franklins books he was carrying under his chin when he left? One was Tony Robbins, the self help guru. I kid you not. Wow, I wonder if the book helped. We all speculate as to the other books. Some of the other possible books Tony was carrying -War and Peace-Auburns 2008 season, The Jury-Auburn Fan Base-2008, Custer’s Last Stand, Anne of Greene Gables and Tony Franklin’s Adventures in Tiger land. At this point Franklin is probably second guessing himself for taking the job. But don’t we all wish when we second guessed ourselves we got $600,000. In today’s economy that could buy a lot of Wachovia stock or what’s left of it.

2. Tubberville – As I said last week many fans were already calling for Tommy’s head. This was before Franklin’s departure and before the loss to Arkansas. Now the drums for a sacrifice have grown louder. Do I believe Tubberville is to blame somewhat, yes. He hired Franklin and it did not work out so he is to blame somewhat. However, I am not one to write him off all together. Does anyone recall how much Tubb’s buyout is? Yes, its several million. In this economy who can afford to pay that money. Time are tight even for the big boys. Old Lowder’s stock is in the tank, his pockets are empty. He is so broke I saw him ringing the Salvation Army kettle at Lowe’s the other day. Jimmy Rane can’t help because construction is down. That has caused his wood sales to plummet. Rane is so broke he has resorted to being a Roy Clark look alike at Hee Haw reunions. Don’t think for one minute if a buy-out came prices for the everyday fan wouldn’t go up. Those ticket prices would soar as would the prices for those mystery meat hot dogs you all love so. The fact is that it has not helped Tubbs that Clemson fired Tommy Bowden this week, mid-season. Many people find similarities in our programs. We both have coaches named Tommy, both coaches have been there ten years, they call Clemson “Auburn with a lake”, plus we have both have had seasons that did not meet expectations.

The fact is Tommy has had more wins that Bowden in ten years, more conference championships and more championship appearances overall. Then you add in that our players have a high graduation rate and the fact that we have run a clean program. Yea, I know we don’t cheer GPA’s and good behavior on Saturdays. It’s not like we are yelling go #23, great class attendance. Yea, #14, so glad you don’t beat your girlfriend. But it does help in many peoples eyes. We all forget Janet Jackson’s words of wisdom, “That’s the way love goes”, no not those, these, “What have you done for me lately”. Remember Tommy has a few wins to go before he passes Pat Dye. The man took us out of the dark light cast by the cherub from hell, named Terry Bowden. He has beaten our rival time after time. He deserves some respect. This year is gone, lets all face it. The spread is like kudzu it can be eradicated but not in a short amount of time. It’s all our players know for now, so we have to ride it out. I do think Tommy needs to go back to the old system, hire a new coordinator, give the guy his space and fire some of his old staff. He needs to change things and I think he will. Give the man credit he has survived this long in a business that has a new Brutus ready to stab you in the back on a daily basis. If everyone still hates Tubberville after next year we can hire a new coach. A name mentioned last night as a replacement was Jesse Palmer, the football announcer, ex-Florida QB, and for you ladies the ex-Batchelor. I can see it now during recruiting trips he lays a single rose at the door step of the recruits he chooses.

3. Quarterbacks – Well last week the coaches tried to give Kodi a chance. After watching the game many members of the Kodi fan club turned in their membership cards. Kodi knows two plays, run and fake like you are looking to pass then run. If he improvises he always has throw and interception. Kodi is an athlete no doubt. He can run and has a strong arm. Does that translate to a good quarterback? Yes, if you can do that on a weekly basis, which so far he hasn’t. If you have not read it yet Tubbs said its Kodi’s job to lose. That’s a scary thought. No pressure at all.

Well Chris Todd was brought in briefly to spark the offense. He sparked it alright. The problem was his interception into double coverage sparked the Arkansas offense when the started out on our 20 yard line. Todd’s arm is done. If Dr. Andrews did the surgery I would ask for a refund. Because at this point Bob Dole has a stronger arm. Yes, I said it, if you don’t get it then look it up. Anyway, now we totally bypassed Neil Caudle as a viable option even though he is listed as the 3rd string quarterback. Tubbs doesn’t even mention that the kid has a shot. I think Tubbs forgets this kid is on scholarship. He is never mentioned. In fact in the program his picture was removed for more ad space for Golden Flake. The kid is smart he will be a fine engineer one day but not a quarterback. Now the coaches are talking about moving freshman Barrett Trotter up from the scout team to see if he can make a difference. Let’s be honest have any of you seen Barrett Trotter? He looks like the fourth Jonas brother who no one talks about. The Jonas brother that chose the wrong path, Barrett Trotter, on the next Behind the Music or E Channel. The kid has been on the scout team. What does that tell you. He has been around for a year, but they didn’t think they needed him. Now six games into the season he is good enough. If you were in surgery and the nurse said excuse me the surgeon we scheduled did not work out, but we found a surgeon from the scout team and he looks like a Jonas brother. Would that scare you?

4. Defense – The defense did not like its self last week. People have made excuses well Arkansas is a good team. No they aren’t. This is same team that was blown out by more than 30 points by its last three SEC opponents. We gave up over 400 yards to Arkansas. That’s not good. Wait till we play W.Virgina, UGA or Bama. Their quarterbacks will be much better and not have phallic names. There is more bad news. Anyway, Sen’Derrick is probably going pro. I don’t blame him. He is guaranteed millions of dollars. That is probably better than getting one of those highly sought after criminology or sociology degrees from Auburn. Its not like one day you will hear, “Tonight’s symphony Beethoven #7 will brought to you by conductor, Sen’Derrick Marks”. He is an NFL stud, I can’t blame him. Trey Blackmon is likely out for the year with a fractured wrist, again. His nickname before the season was “little ball of hate”, more like little ball of always hurt. But I like Josh Bynes, his replacement, just as much or more so I am fine with it. Last week with defensive back Jerraud Powers out they played freshman Neiko Thorpe a lot. He got picked on by the Arkansas QB. He will be good one day, but for now he needs some weight, he looks like Starvin Marvin from South Park. You would think he would meet Al Borges at Sonny’s BBQ to put some pounds on. Mike McNeil is another person I have had trouble with. He is our safety and he hasn’t hit anyone this year. When it comes to contact he is lacking. If you watch the games he is late on a lot of plays and leans in like he is afraid of contact. The kid needs some toughness. He is a tough as a box of Playtex. Every time he hits someone I expect him to yell “hee-hee” like Michael Jackson and the moonwalk away from the play. What was once strength is now a glaring weakness. All our opponents have to do is follow Arkansas’s game plan. Basically they did not less us to get to the QB, one, two steps then boom passed it. No waiting, which is the opposite of our quarterbacks. If we can get everyone healthy and rush the passer we should be fine. But that’s a big “if”. The road does not get any easier.

4. The Road Ahead: We are off this week thank goodness. I don’t think I could take another game. Next week we play West Virginia on a Thursday night. This is not an SEC game, but all the nations eyes will be on us as we are the only game on that night. People will see if we have recovered from the Franklin firing. If we don’t perform and lose this game it won’t help. Its like eating someone’s lunch out of the office refrigerator. Once you done it you are labeled as the mooch and you cant shed the label. People, recruits, other teams will smell blood. We have to show something that opposing teams can fear. If they see us not being able to run or run the spread things will cave in on us. Here are some predictions for next weeks’ game. You will never hate John Denver more in your life than after hearing his song Country Roads played 200 times. Yes, even more than watching John Denver sing Christmas songs with the Muppets. Plus it will be guaranteed that West Virginia fans will burn several couches regardless of the outcome of the game. It’s a tradition, I don’t know if it’s a fear of furniture or if its because their family trees only have one branch. Either way it will be exciting. Better than the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s.

Prediction: Auburn 17 West Virginia 14
P.S. I am a die hard fan so I pick Auburn against anybody so don’t bet on my theories. If Auburn played the Chinese Army I would take the tigers with the points.