National Signing Day (NSD) is today. You’re smart, you understand the concept: Big with a vagina.

TODAY IS A red-letter day in the annals of  laughable toupees, big bellies, penis floss and latent homo-erotica, as 18 year old boys make the inevitable foray into college football and top off the spank-tanks of middle-age men. The “winner” of this latest recruiting gauntlet gets an imaginary trophy from Rivals, and the chance to award themselves an mythical National Championship.

This is my 4th annual attempt to blog the College Football’s National Signing Day or “The Smoking Palm”.  I  will be posting comments about my impressions of Coach Dooley’s son first recruiting effort.

Sack Up, NAMbLA
Sack Up, Bitches

Among the websites and Media being gently monitored from my Tactical Operations  Center or TOC:

• Rivals Radio
• ESPNU
• Rivals Recruiting Board
• Tony Basilio
• Vols, bitch.com
• Volquest.com
• Finebaum
• BamaonLine
• GatorBait

An Itinerary for my day If I Woke Up and Found Myself Suddenly Transformed into a 62-year-old Jock Sniffer or a Jock Sniffer-Sniffer getting ready for a day beasting and quasi-Live Blog NSD, this is what my day might look like:

7:00 AM CST:

Go Vols! Already took Georgia’s #1 Recruit!!! Suck it 2Dawgsfucking!!!

I will always give my all for Tennessee today.

I will tune into the Rivals radio feed (Bill King for the rookies) and VolQuest on the internets for pure meltdown joy. When I am  connected, I plan on looping “It’s Raining Men” and “I Will Survive”  as if it it is going to wreak a huge amount of havoc on an erection.

7:02 am:
Ah…There’s Bill King’s deep soothing voice. He tosses off a couple of mentions of the left-wing liberal sports media control of sports talk radio, then declares his show to be the “Zero Spin” zone. He follows with some bits I heard him do before talking about his love for VPI’s Defensive Coordinator Bud Foster and why Foster doesn’t already have a head coaching job somewhere and Illinois coach Ron Zook who just “doesn’t get it,” and offers to throw bologna at a stripper’s ass. C’mon, Bill, this is your show. Be your own host.

7:08 am:
Over to the Sports Animal, There it is, Hell yes it’s the first mention of Urban Meyer and his sociopathic tendencies. I’m sure it was just an oversight, but they  neglect to mention UGA’s Mark Richts’s splat fetish and how he has failed to lock down the state of Georgia. The host is trying to introduce his co-host, whose name I’ve already forgotten. I’m pretty sure it’s a woman. Could be a drag queen. These are the vagaries of radio. I’m going to hold off touching myself until I figure it out.

08:20 am:

Logging on to the the high-falutin’ Volquest.com.  Volquest is a recruiting website that has mailed it in a long time ago. They used to be the gold standard for recruiting news but they have given up on getting the scoop or providing any kind of customer service.  They succumbed to the capitalist sports industrial complex, spyware and other nasty electrons.  My my, these aren’t your parent’s Tennessee  message board moderators. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations, but I thought the network was going to be breaking signing  news  from the internet and not confirming what other sites are breaking. In any case, I’m pretty ripped.  Wi-Fi, Crown and coke is flowing like water that is irrigating  my anus.

Back to Bill King calming voice: A quick note on radio quality, further degraded by internet streaming: Remember when you were a kid, and your mother would try and wake you up for school, and you were still half-asleep, and you only dreamily half-heard her, and maybe in your dream the supermodel you were trying to have sex with suddenly, disturbingly, started to talk dirty with your mother’s muffled voice? Well, imagine that supermodel whispering that she wants you to flip her over, but with Bill Kings muffled voice.

And why does it sounds like there are wind chimes in the background? Aren’t they in a studio?

9 a.m. Just got an email from a volquester, he is mixing up his  first batch of “Jock Strap Droppers” or JSDs. Here is how he is making it:
use: 0.5 oz. Gin
0.5 oz. Peach Schnapps
0.5 oz. Rum
0.5 oz. Triple sec
0.5 oz. ORANGE Vodka
1 5 star wide receiver or his video/twitter/ or face book page
ADD 3OZS SWEET AND SOUR, AND A SPLASH OF SPRITE, AND A SPLASH OF GRENADINE. THEN SQUEZE A SLICE OF LEMON. WATCH OUT THOUGH, THIS DRINK LIVES UP ITS NAME

9:33 am:
Good idea, needs better execution: Volquest claims they got 5 star wide receiver extraordinaire in his green room, awaiting his turn to put on for Tennessee. They have the green room mic’ed, where an audio visual dweeb is branding the soles of his feet with a burning copy of “We Got 13″ tee shirt and commencing of the slapping of hoes asses. They should have gone straight to an Anal O Ring Toss.

9:42 Am:
I make an unexpected phone call to cuddly Tony Basilio’s radio show. If I were a nerd, this would be a joke about a tear in the fabric of the bipartisan space-time continuum. But since I’m not that recruiting smart, Tony leads me to on a discussion of sitting in my house in my underwear, having risen late enough in the day to be officially reclassified as a nocturnal organism, head pounding from last night’s debauchery, a lightning rod for what Could Be.  C’mon Coach Dooley’s son, will this recruiting class to a top 5 finish.

09:55 am:
My beast mode is fully activated: In an attempt to fully represent the Dooley Regime,  Basilio takes a phone call from Country Crooner/Tebow Fluffer Kenny Chesney. A quick Google search reveals that Kenny Chesney is an anagram for “grow a penis.”  Ya’ll better pick it up a notch boys, Bama, LSU, Florida are  coming up and recruiting and (buying children) like ya’ll are,  it could be real embarrassing for the Tennessee fans. F5 refresh ain’t getting it done.

Refresh motherfuckers. So, are you an F5 guy or a click the refresh button guy.
I personally like to hit the button. F5 is probably more efficient but I like driving with the mouse.

noon: START PLAYING NCAA10 AND TARGETING RECRUITS WHO ARE SIMILAR to the ones we have and sim the season. i will then wait till the class is finished and rename all the new recruits who best match our new ones to their new names and height/weight etc. and begin the 2010 season with the new roster.

i have done this the past few years. on last years game (2009) i turned a 4 star receiver who was around 81 overall into nukeese…he won the heisman as a returner and receiver his junior year….so i get realistic results!!

1:10 pm:

Ok, I am still monitoring all of my sources. My sim season on NCAA10 is going famously. Time to down a 5 hour energy shot, brush the teeth, stay in sleep clothes, turn on the notebook and tv. I love the glossy action photos in Athlon and Lindy’s.

1:23 pm
My streaming connection is pretty bad, but I think I just heard some faceless Bama On-Line Recruiting Expert confess to firebombing Toomers Corner the during Auburn’s “one for the thumb” streak. I probably missed the part where he blames Mike Shula’s gold chain and Juwan’s ice cream cone. We’re going to have to look into this, developing…

I know that sometimes I don’t keep up with recruiting as much as others, but do the Tennessee recruiting experts expect me to believe that there’s actually someone in the fold named Probst?? From Hoover?? As Volquester Volfan28 said, “Not excited. He is white.” Stay classy.

1:40 pm:
Got up, had another cup of K-Cup Jet Fuel coffee and a nice cheese Danish. Over at Rivals radio, the  bammer recruiting expert (yes, he’s STILL TALKING) is prattling on about Nick Saban, and Urban Meyer’s  supposed addiction to anal beads the size of regulation Rawlings baseballs.

I’m starting to contemplate the important metaphysical questions, such as “Could I possibly be more bored right now? Like, maybe if I found a can of paint and left it in that can in its liquid form and stared at the paint in the can, while listening to a CD of whale songs, would I actually achieve a higher plane of boredom?”

Kenny Chesney. Anal beads. Lane Kiffin. Anal beads. Quite a mantra.  I love your enthusiasm bammer. I love the Fax Cam!!

Oh,the Bammeroid is leaving! Maybe now they’ll spice things up with some talk about Florida. Yup, that’s what they’re doing.  Bone to bone, bitch.

1:52 pm:
Telephone caller: Swami, GatorBait legend.  Basilio and Swami’s rapport further strengthens the proud tradition of  frontrunning Florida fans and Gainesville being ranked as the 11th  most gay city in the U. S. (nice job Timmy and Riley Cooper).

Basilio and his newly-minted “home boy” Swami are getting along so swimmingly, in fact, that I think Unknown Female Sports Animal Co-host is starting to fear for her job.

2:10 pm:
(Note to LWS readers being directed here: I promise at least one ass-fucking joke before the end of NSD. I’ve already done a bit with Chesney/Kiffin and anal beads, and there was a suggestion of “relations” between Meyer  and Jeremy Foley. That should tide you over until I get around to it.)

My connection has suddenly gotten very spotty, but I’m pretty sure that Basilio and and his cohost are bonding over their wildly successful media careers and their mutual admiration.  I decide to switch to ESPNU  for an update on Urban Meyer’s truth-telling skills. The announcers seem to find each other quite amusing. I catch a snippet to the effect of “Meyer would lie about what kind of pancake is his favorite,” the audio drops out, and then returns with peals of laughter. Of course, they might have been discussing Meyer’s breakfast preferences, or how during the BCS NC College Football Live, Meyer reportedly showed a demented Lee Corso a package of adult undergarments, which the addled Corso hilariously misidentified as a pencil.

2:37 pm
I hear the dweebing of Brent Hubbs on the ESPN local affiliate radio show and when some Unidentified Possibly-Female caller asks if Hubbs regrets getting lazy and not working for breaking news. Hubbs is not long for this phone gig if he is going to continually be cock-blocked and guests are affectionately ass-fucking him by injecting topicality into the show. I think someone needs a sports radio network sidekick refresher course!

Back to ESPNU, Big 10 Cupcake/troublemaker Kirk Herbstreit is on the  phone  By taking the call, the ESPNU has officially guaranteed that the  the liberal airwaves will be tainted with his tOSU for #1  karma. The host  going to have to  avoid Herbstreit like a toddler bitten by a zombie.

Back in at Volquest, a Red  flies into a murderous e-rage over 2 and 3 star signee. When old wise NAMbLA Vol says:  “when you look at numbers, there are far more 2 and 3 stars so there should be more in pro bowls. But Tennessee won’t be successful in SEC with a lot of 2 and 3 stars. Vanderbilt proves that every year.”

2:52 pm
Then another Red laments that Dooley is covering Tennessee looking for that 2 star, a diamond in the rough..” There are players out there at the small schools that doesnt even get looked at that would be a great player. It seems everyone forgets about them. I think there should be away for the players at the smaller schools to get there name out there and those who cant afford to travel to the allstar games. I know of coaches that has their 2 or 3 picks on their team and those are the only ones that gets promoted.i also think the filming of these high school games is so poor how can anyone truly check out the teams. This is where making a yearly pilgrimage across the state as a head coach at UT would pay off. Every year there is going to be a Patrick Willis somewhere that won’t be on the summer circuit or is new to the sport or plays low level competition. DD needs to earn the trust of as many high school coaches as possible that will give him or a staff member a call every 5 years or so with a needle in a haystack that is 5-star worthy but an unknown to most.”

I want so badly to tell them, “There are two 2* already on the commit list with maybe a 3rd in Crump. No reason for panic.”

The reader obviously doesn’t know that it’s much hotter to think about touching yourself if you don’t know for sure if the newly-minted-liberal-radio-network-cohost is going to turn out to be a woman or not. I might end up at Calhoun HS creeping out Nash and Da’Rick trying to give them high fives yelling “vols, bitch”.

It’s 3:00 pm EST and the  voyage of “The Smoking Palm” is almost over. My connection died (yes, again) just as the rivals guy was taking phone calls from family members. How could anyone doubt this coach named Dooley?  There is no other coach in the country, pro or college, that I would rather have. Get us some  guys who win championships and we deserve nothing less than championships here at the University of Tennessee. This staff knows that and will get us on track , its happening as we speak. Close strong guys!! GO VOLS

Tomorrow.  My reaction to this class.

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