Today I am thinking of my fantasy football NFL draft.
Ho. Effing. Hum.
Does anyone even watch football anymore now that we have Lady GaGa to keep our attention? The NFL needs another OJ Simpson or Ray Lewis to once again capture our hearts and imaginations. To that end, I nominate Tim Tebow to forcibly sodomize a referee at the fifty-yard line at a Broncos game, and then fire a flare gun into the crowd. Alas, Tebow has seemingly found God in his Jockey underwear (er..Advertising campaign), so the odds of him taking one (or, more accurately, giving one) for the league are at best sixty percent Football Odds in favor.
Despite my apathy, I’ll be footloose and flashdancey free. My feet will be magic, my upper body moving in a way that suggests that there is fluid yet delicious evil below in my hips.
I will shake it until I break it, light up the sky like a flame.
I am further prohibited from describing the events of the draft. But I will tell you that my idea for Tim Tebow’s salvation of the NFL was influenced by events transpiring between a wild-haired actor, a certain wheelchair bound genius (I should point out that the beekeeper, if in fact he was in attendance, is both a moron and fully ambulatory), and a computer-modulated voice begging for help as stunned onlookers stared helplessly at each other in a moment with eerie echoes of the Jesse James/Sondra Bullock reconciliation.
None of this, however, has revived my interest in football. I drafted Joe Theisman to man the quarterback position in the first round and then proceeded to drunkenly proposition an Uma Thurman look alike (if she was, in fact, present), who took cunning advantage of my offers to trade kisses on the cheek for my draft picks. She’s now the favorite to take home the trophy.
And I fear I won’t be able to flush those feeble, tormented, robotic cries from my memory until the next year’s fantasy draft — where I look forward to repeating Spencer Tillman’s impassioned, unimpeachable defense of a man wearing eyeliner to a football-related event.
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