“Playing ball? We suck at it. New Years Day 2011  was probably the worst day the Big Ten has ever had in football. Considering that we’ve been playing for a century or so, that is saying something. I suspect that my Buckeyes will fare much better in the Superdome or as we call it in Columbus: The House of Horrors. We were in football hell and the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t just another SEC  freight train coming. ” Kirk Herbsteit, ESPN CFB Analyst

Its a beautiful day today as I sit down with the Emmy Award-winning analyst for  ESPN Gameday, former quarterback on the Ohio State football team, and of course, creator of the Kirk Herbstreit National Kickoff Classic (Herbstreit Football Series).

Kirk Herbstreit , or as he prefers, Herbie  will be signified by KH during the interview. To complete the setting, we are dining al fresco at a rather small restaurant. He has ordered a BLT with extra mayo, a raspberry ice tea. I have ordered the usual; a spanish omelette.

LWS: First of all, I’d like to start by saying that I am a huge fan of your work. Your frosted and gelled tips,  flawless physique and a boyish charm has captured the hearts of millions. My first question concerns the fame. How do you cope?

KH:  Well, it has been a roller coaster. That is for sure. I remember in high school  I was ridiculed quite a bit. Who would have known that a young boy infatuated with sequins would end up having panties thrown at him everytime he goes to a stadium? I’m beautiful. But I worked for it. I worked my ass off. Literally. If these lard-asses can’t get off the can for five minutes and do a few sit-ups a day, then I have no time for them. All my friends are beautiful.  Though I’ve heard fat chicks give good head.

LWS: [Chilled by his unemotional display, I suppressed a shudder and forge on]  Let’s talk about the Buckeye’s woes with the NCAA, what is your take?

KH: Everyone knows our players are not  really that smart, and to deny them playing time is to deny them their future. My cousin had a sorority sister that dated Pryor, and she said that he told her he lost at least $700 on Ebay because of tattoo scandal and NCAA “issue” (he used his fingers to make air quotes for the word issues).  Coach Tressel called the experience “a valuable lesson” for the players. That’s a freaking crying shame.

None of this is  anyone’s business! I trust that Coach Tressel will do whats best for the team. that’s  between him and the team. we pay him to win games. that’s all, just mind your business.

LWS:  What are you thoughts on Tressel, the state of the Buckeye program? Is Tressel still the Captain of the Ship?

KH: Unless you have won over 87% of games that you have coached in as a head coach in one of the toughest conferences in college football I will defer to Tressel everytime. I have confidence that Tressel will make the proper decisions regarding players. He has done a spectacular job in every facet of coaching, particularly not letting discipline come between the Buckeyes and winning.

LWS:  You’re and Xs and Os kinda of guy.  Breakdown how the Buckeyes will attack  Arkansas.

KH: If anyone knows how to call offense schemes its Jim Tressel. his vision is what really sets him apart from all other head coaches. its hard to imagine any other coach that could create such diversity during play-calling. after the Buckeyes wins by 30 points in the Sugar Bowl, will the media finally realize that we belong, no we demand, to be placed within the top five teams in the nation? this is Ohio State football. I know where my vote is going to go. there is nothing like it anywhere else in the nation.

Don’t worry, Ryan Mallet will get exposed against a battle tested  OSU’s secondary that  is very  good.

LWS:   So let me see if I understand.  You’re calling for the Buckeyes to win over an SEC team…..in a bowl game?  Gracious. I personally believe The Big 10 should be banned from the BCS. I mean seriously, enough is enough.

KH:  Look, just to humor you i will respond. We Buckeye fans are top notch and you SEC fans are not.  As far as the game, we win big versus the Hogs.  Bank it.   The entire Southeastern Conference will be shown this week just how dominant the Big 10 is, and why Coach Tressel very well should’ve have been the “coach of the year.”

When the other SEC teams see what we are building at Columbus, they are afraid because they know the Buckeyes are returning to our rightful position.

LWS:    “Little Sisters of the Poor”, what does that mean to you?

KH:  What about the three bowl loses for the SEC?

SEC! SEC! SEC! I can’t hear you! Wow! Terrelle Pryor going to  need a legal lawyer after he stomps on the Arkansas Razorbacks  like he done said he gonna do.  I plan on dining on bacon for the rest of the week.Buckeyes 42 and the Hogs 10.

At this point, Herbie daintily laid a 20 out on the table and left at a rather hurried rate. The last thing I remember seeing is his plate, totally clean, and I realized I couldn’t remember him packing away that much food.