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Feb 09

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Chris Leak’s Daily Gamble

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All year long we have tried to make readers more sensitive to the embarrassing problem of adult continence and the shame of people that literally shit all over themselves.   When former Florida sharting Quarterback Chris Leak stepped out of the shadows to tell the SEC: “Hey, sometimes in the huddle I shit myself and it stinks” we thought that putting a face to a spastic colon/weak sphincter would help the American public understand that adults who wear diapers are not comedy.

 (This is the play that forces humble Chris to evacuate his bowels. Note the “shart” towel)

Chris Leak is used to being doubted in a career filled with yards, touchdowns, soiled undergarments and question (skid)marks. He even had to platoon with a talented freshman in fan favorite Tim Tebow when is his diapers became overwhemingly  sodden and stinky.   It was a commonly  believed throughout the SEC that Leak was just menopausal and was suffering from premenstrual cramps or just overall bitchiness.  Now we know it was Urban “Herban” Meyer’s playcalling coupled with constipation that created the PMS-like bloating that constantly interrupted gameplay and the need to sub Tebow into a game.“It’s just like going into a game,” said Leak, Florida’s all-time passing leader and MVP of the BCS championship game. “You’ve got to make sure you focus on the right thing. When I am wearing a diaper, I have confidence that there will not be any leakage.  That was the worst, shitting myself and then having to face  my teammates ridicule and revulsion to my problem.”

(The strategically placed football blocks yet another embarrassing moment for humble Chris) 

Besides, he never seemed to let critics affect him on the field or at the local Wal-Greens when he was loading up on Depends Diapers and baby-wipes getting ready for a big game.He said he’s not paying any more heed to talk about his draft stock than he did his college critics.“I’ve always been the type person that focuses on making sure that I’m prepared for the game and my teammates are prepared,” Leak said. “I have been dropping my deuces in diapers the entire season, and this is game week. I wear a diaper 24-7 now.  It is an integral element of my gameday experience.  When I get to the CFL, maybe my sphincter muscles will be stronger, right now they are not so strong.  I just hope that the astronaut chick does OK,  she is an inspiration to me.”

Lisa Marie Nowak, the Lust in Space Astronaut, wore a  diaper on her cross-country drive to commit a felony in Florida of all places. Lisa’s story is being treated like comedy on shows such as The Daily Show and the Colin Cowherd Radio Show. We are now standing in awe of Florida, Tang, Adult Diapers, Chris Leak and just ripping a damn deuce freely in your pants with fear of retribution.

Remember that Chris Leak says that Sharting is nothing more gambling and losing.

 You go forward Chris Leak and Lisa Marie and do great things, we are betting on you!!!

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  1. Cool Hand Mike

    Chris Leak and Lisa Marie Nowak?

    I see a R Kelly style video popping up on the internet here shortly.

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  2. Mike White

    I didn't want to say anything about sharting Chris Leak, but this article has left me no choice. As much as he may have sucked his first three years (and will suck in pro ball), he seemed to have a pretty good year in 2006, and Ohio State had no answer for him on third down in the national championship game. I think you are singling him out because it was his pass to Dallas Baker that beat Tennessee in Neyland Stadium in the 4th quarter and cost the Vols their own shot at the title. Sorry, them's the facts.

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  3. Jai Eugene

    We admire humble Chris here. He is a hero for facing his demons. NASA is using his shart containment techniques for our space-borne heroes

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  4. Jai Eugene

    Mike (s)

    An inspiration...he will excel in the CFL. His 4.5 speed on a bigger field ....is an advantage.

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  5. Mike White

    Now that I think about it, there's going to be a new football league in the U.S. (the AAFL) in 2008 that will only accept players who spent all 4 years in college. It will be backed by the NCAA. I think that Chris Leak (and UNC's own former sharting QB Darian Durant) will fit well there. Check it out: www.aafl.com/

    No joke, by the way: Darian Durant is UNC's all time offensive leader, and he is now the backup QB of the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Chris Leak beware.

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  6. Jai Eugene

    I know there is a pro flag football league that is tailor made for Humble Chris. I think he can be a legend if goes that route

    http://loserwithsocks.wordpress.com/2007/01/30/chris-leak-of-the-saskatchewan-roughriders-not-yet-but-very-soon-with-dan-patrick/

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  7. Mike White

    Sorry. Wrong link.
    http://www.allamericanfootballleague.com/

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  8. troy smith's dwindling draft stock

    i get no love on this "interweb"

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  9. David J

    I am baffled how there is no love for chris leak. He's an amazing player. Doesn't have the physical prowess that scouts look for but he has the intangibles. He's got crazy compusure, intelligence, and not to mention a pretty spiral. When experts talk about height and arm strength they are just looking for something to complain about. Seriously the guy was a starting qb in the SEC for a successful Florida team. And a guy like trent edwards is rated better, u gotta be kidding me. Did anyone see how bad stanford blew, he wasn't a jay cutler bringing hope to a crappy team. Oh yeah before I stop jabbering I just want to mention some guys that a lot of scouts said couldn't cut it in the pros. Chad Pennington, Drew Brees, and the future Hall of Famer Tom Brady

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  10. Jai Eugene

    I am sure that Chad Pennington, Drew Brees, and the future Hall of Famer Tom Brady scored higher than an 8 on the wonderlic, don't shy away from a hit, and throw off of their back foot under a heavy pass rush

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